During six months I have written about nearly twenty topics. About Essence, Enjoying Life, Wisdom, Power, Pain, Death, Differences, Robots and far more …
Today, just an overview:
During six months I have written about nearly twenty topics. About Essence, Enjoying Life, Wisdom, Power, Pain, Death, Differences, Robots and far more …
Today, just an overview:
My grandmother celebrated her birthday. She is now 96 years. And somewhere the light of that age is shining at me. Because when she can reach the top of that mountain, it should be also possible for me. And feeling joyful about that, I am ignoring the fact that many others are not reaching that amount of time.
Finally, I am reading the obituaries in the local newspapers. I remember that I was not paying attention to these for years. Deliberately I always scrolled further. Rapidly. Somewhere those messages did frighten me. For sure I did not like to be confronted with the mortuality of my ‘own’ existence.
Even today I can still feel that anxiety. Last time I read at a wall the question, written in graffiti: ‘Which things do you like to have done before you die?’
I felt a shiver, because I don’t like to think about this question when I am just walking in the plain sunlight at a crowded street. It is the same thing like that I am feeling a tremble when I see a human skeleton, skulls or bones.
But reading week after week the local newspapers, I am taking notice of the ages of the departed persons. And I am in silence counting the days and years that lay before me.
Somewhere I am fooling myself
Am I afraid of death? I think not. But somewhere I am fooling myself. Because I really desire to become very old. To discover whether it is possible to become ‘wise’ and ‘mature’. And to see that my kids are transforming in grown ups. And that they will get children themselves. Just to see that life is going further. That despite difficulties and impossibilities the new generations are arising.
And deep inside me the ‘kid’ is still believing that the ancient story about Jesus who raise from the death is true. That he was transformed above imagination and that he arose at the other side of the grave.
Somewhere I don’t accept that death will be the final destination. I desperately do love to believe that Life is the base and bottomline of everything, even death. That Life is the invincible force. That death is not the swallowing dark hole in our ‘universe’, but that Life is devouring death.
Even when no form is immanent or permanent, ‘something’ should be invariable. Be it Love. Or be it Life. And while everything (also everyone) changes through time, the energy in all these forms keeps to be present. It can’t be destroyed. Energy is really eternal and the essential flowing force.
I have prepared everything which is possible for me
In case that I would be earlier leaving the form of my body I have prepared everything which is in my control. I have written down my last will. And my wife and I have shared our wishes to our relatives, specially with regard to our children.
To know that I have done all that is in my possibilities, is giving me a feeling of rest and peace. That even when I am somewhere at some place surprised by death that I am somehow prepared for that moment. Knowing that after my departure there will be the necessary help and comfort for my wife and children.
And yes, at the otherhand I am looking forward with expectation to the last breath in this dimension of flesh and blood. I am so curious about what will happen to me. What will I feel? Will I experience that I am leaving my body? Will I be flying above my own entity?
I will try to be fully present and aware in that moment
Or is that not possible? Will the lamp of my awareness be switched off and won’t it anymore be turned on? Won’t I know anything at all, just after one flash of light? Like that it is for me still impossible to remember anything from before the time of my birth.
As far as possible I will embrace death. And I will try to be fully present and aware in that moment.
So will I regret to leave this temporary life? Not totally. Yes, I am determined to stay alive to be present for my wife and kids. But also I won’t miss the troubles and pain (or illness) which are mainly caused due to the behaviours of other people and those of my self.
These behaviours and thought structures can be exhausting. And the tiredness about it can feel like the robbery of life energy, hope and the will to live.
Feeling withered, dry and barren it can be sometimes difficult to pursue and to push through. To live day after day, hoping that the night will give the possibility to rest and to relax. To receive new energy, new dreams and visions.
Every fixed form will be stripped
I am looking forward to discover whether it is possible to live without the form of my body (which I love and which I protect, nurture and care for).
So, yes, please, don’t mourn the loss of form …
That what is after time unnecessary or not fitting anymore will be burned down through the leveling ‘fire’ of death. Finally, in death are all people equal and free of Ego.
I believe that every (fixed or rigid) form will be stripped and that naked essence will remain. In that place we won’t anymore know the time framed meaning of ‘nudity’.
So via the ‘rite de passage’ of death we can be freed of that what is not real. So that what is of timeless value can shine without a veil.
And I believe that we will be transformed into this Transparancy.
A transparancy free of thoughts and words.
It is. Just it is. And yes it can be.
It can take every shape and it can be cloathed with uncountable ‘cloaks’ and ‘mantles’.
It is what it is. Or it is not what it is 🙂
Pure Essence and Authoritative Expressiveness.
At least, that’s what my hope is telling me 🙂
I screwed up. I felt so irritated about the behaviour of my daughter. I had already given her many warnings. And than I reacted very intense and fiercy at a small misstep of her. And, ouch, than my wife started to battle me.
I felt so stressed about the situation that I could not slow down and give attention to my little son. So, no, this evening I was not tickling him.
Afterwards I felt myself a ‘failing’ father. But happily I could console myself that I am ‘mostly’ friendly and peacefully towards others. Giving attention and being present in the moment.
I felt the determination to do it otherwise next evening. Just conform the common sleep ritual in our family of four.
It had grown in my imagination
But even after a night of sleep I felt ‘bad’ about what had happened. I tried to relativise it, because it was not such big as it had grown in the meantime in my imagination. Standing very early in the morning before the mirror in the shower room I decided to offer my family my apologies, just when we would sit down to eat our morning food.
And yes I did. I said sorry to my wife and to my kids. Just mentioning what I did wrong and how I like to behave otherwise. I felt that the words were coming from my heart. These words were upright and real.
And wow, before my eyes I saw the effects. Again I was impressed about the power of words ( see also my blog from 18 October 2018: Click here )
Before my eyes there did take place a softening. The atmosphere became more warmly during these first moments of our new day.
While my wife looked first a little grumpy, she started smiling at me. And I saw that my kids became more relaxt. There arose again the freedom to be yourself and there was felt far more space around our table.
Wow, this morning my flaws just transformed into flowers.
I was again very surprised about the possibility of saying sorry. The power of expressed regret which is felt from inside, from the place of our hearts.
For many years absent in my life
I even felt a little proud, because the power to say sorry was for many years absent in my life.
I did come from a background where I never heart that adults were saying sorry to each other. Even my father never said sorry to me about some of his behaviours. At least, I can’t remember it.
It was during my first job that a colleague explained to me the essence and usefulness of saying sorry to others. And when I just tried this in practice – even with confused feelings, feeling insecure and hesitating, but also determined – I felt that I was liberating myself. I escaped the prison of my Ego. The big walls of separation and self-justification – built during years – were crumbling in seconds.
It is good to expand the vulnerability of myself. Even when I am than feeling ‘weak’. And even when people are offending me, when they try to belittle me. Not knowing who I am and what my possibilities are to behave ‘ugly’ and ‘destructive’ towards them 🙂
Oh, what a challenge to forgive those who are misbehaving towards me. Oh, what an impossibility for my Ego, when I am feeling the rage and hate about what others are doing. Seeing very sharp their ‘unrighteous’ acts. And sensing the murderous thoughts which my mind is sending than about it. Happily, those are fading away when I am just observing these thoughts.
Oh, what an energy I am feeling than inside me. An energy which is wanting to burst out. To go outside my body. To explode and to be a Big creating Bang.
I am desiring that I can transform and shape this energy towards the powers of saying sorry and forgiving others. Because there are people around us that are ‘ignorant’ and ‘sleeping’. They are ‘unaware’ and not present, ‘blindly’ justifying what they are doing. Even when it asks them to jump, to lie and to make an unlogical connection between two contradicting thought structures.
So again I am saying: ‘Father, forgive them, because they are not knowing what they are doing’.
For a further read, see also my post on 18 December 2018: Click here
A good friend likes to give me advice about how I can attract more visitors towards my website. He sais that when I publish challenging quotes from well known historic or nowadays famous people it will be liked. But the main thing is: I don’t like those aphorisms. Because it is very safe and predictable.
You can hang those texts on tiles in your toilet. It can give you a smile on your face and you can nod in agreement, but it won’t change anything. The cause of this is that these words are abstract and passive – frozen in a frame – and haphazardly directed at every passer-by or bystander.
I believe that real change is coming via persons who are knowing what they are desiring and what they are doing. They think about their goals and go for it, regardless of the difficulties which they are meeting during their journey.
These people are networkers, influencers and actors. And in their interactions things are happening. Like we are also used to in our own lives: Things originate and develop just in the flow of accidents and incidents. Sometimes seemingly accidentally.
Life is creating itself via successive moments. And wisdom needs than to be present and to jump into the situation. To grasp the chance and to speak the words that are necessary to make the change longer lasting.
I believe that words of wisdom are practical. They are clear and focust. They don’t have hidden agendas. Also there are no multiple interpretations possible. Wisdom is not vague or ambiguous, it is the strength to confront those humans which are behaving from positions of power. When they are abusing their power for their own benefits and when they are crossing personal boundaries there must be someone in the room who will say: ‘No, this is not normal’. ‘Stop doing this!’
The director spoke nasty words about my colleague
I called a former colleague to ask her to give me credentials when a headhunter would phone her about my job application. I was surprised to hear that she also left the firm where I was fired months earlier. She told me that the director had spoken very nasty words about her and towards her – ‘you are crazy in your head’ and ‘your husband will leave you, because of you’ – while her chief and the second manager of the firm were also participating in the same conversation. Both men remained silent and mute, while the director was scolding her.
The only one who was championing for her was she herself. She did say: ‘I don’t accept this and I will resign’.
Her chief was surprised to hear these words and said after the meeting: ‘You should not have done that’. But only two days later he had already changed his mind, while saying: ‘Yes, this is better, because you are for me not a controllable person’.
He shifted his opinions, because this chief is not secure feeling about himself. So how could he be secure about others? How could he be trusting, while he is not even trusting his own girlfriend?
Also he don’t like to stand alone. Not at all when all the other team leaders are nodding their heads and saying ‘yes’ when the director is speaking his aphorisms. His ‘dead’ words – they don’t bless and don’t give life, even not when they are flattering – can be written down on tiles, like the grave stones at a cementary.
Dare to take the risk to be humilated, rejected and mocked
Where are the people who dare to be isolated? To be the only one who speak while the rest is staying silent? Where are the humans who dare to take the risk to be humilated, to be rejected and to be mocked? Where are the ‘brave’ persons that dare to speak to those who are thinking and believing that they are in (absolute) positions of power? Surrounded by yes-men.
For me there are no positions of power. No hierarchies, no gurus and no rulers. The only power is self-control and what we are – deep inside us – really believing about ourselves and our surrounding world.
What are our beliefs? And do we really understand that no other human can enslave us? Even when they are harming our bodies. Or when they are locking us inside small rooms? Even than our minds and spirits are free. The light of Freedom can even shine in a prison. Because this light is inside our bodies. Don’t extinguish the Light of our existence which is given to us!
I was conceived in love
I am aware that I was conceived in love. Even when I don’t have a memory about it, I am believing this. And even when other people are probably thinking and speaking badly about me.
I am also determined to leave this temporarily life in Love !
Even when hate and insults would surround me in my ‘final’ moments, there would be the consulting and comforting presence of Love. I am absolute sure about that!
Everything will work for me and lead to the blossoming results of my life: Abundant grace, humility and vulnerability.
And a transparancy which is going deeper than flesh, blood and bones:
A daily watered – blessed – Heart and Soul.
Love you all !
I loved books. I read thousands of books. As a teenager I was reading the titles of Kafka, Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn. The last author did ‘tell’ me about his experiences in the bitterly cold concentration camps of Stalin. The ‘Gulag Archipelago’ did impress me like the books which I read about the Holocaust (the Shoah).
Reading was for me a flight from reality, as I told in my post on 18 December 2018: Click here
Also I was reading fanatically about World War II, because my history teacher did not want to share his knowledge about what happened to the Jews. I wrote about this in my blog ‘History’ on 30 October 2018: Click here
Books were for me of such importance. Because ‘they’ were giving me insights and positive feelings. It was for me a pleasure to read hours and hours, with red cheeks, fully present in a pretty flow and concentration.
Books felt for me in value far more precious than the members of my family. Because books were giving me a variety of feelings. And all these emotions were attaching themselves to my books.
I remember that I was saving many weeks just to buy a new title of the set of books of ‘Snuf de hond’. I even know today the price in guilders after all that years (it was yet before the introduction of the euro as currency).
I dated an American woman
My ‘addiction’ – being hungry for knowledge – to books changed when I became 30 years and older. In that time I started a relationship with an American woman via Facebook. And I flew by plane a couple of times to California to date her. We had an amazing time and we decided together that I would emigrate to the United States.
So in the preparation of my leaving of the Netherlands I did look critically at all my possessions at home. It was not possible to take all these stuff with me. And so I decided to halve my large collection of books.
And by doing that and by giving all these books away I felt that I was liberating my self. I felt relief.
No books at shelves in our living room
The second moment of giving away came after I married a Dutch lady. Because my wife don’t like it when I have my books at shelves in our living room, my books went upstairs to a cupboard at the attic.
And again I was looking thoroughly at all my books. Pondering and deciding which books I would like to keep and which I would give away.
And now – just some months ago – I tried for the third time to review my books. After lots of hesitations I decided to take my most special ones and give these to my children. So that they can read and experience the pleasure of exciting books.
Also I hope to prevent that they will only see these books when they inherit these when they are adults and when they are probably not anymore interested in books at all 🙂
Not anymore identifying these as property
I have discovered that by giving away my expensive books and by sharing these with my children that these possessions are not anymore having such an emotional impact on me. I am not anymore identifying these as ‘mine’ property. And so these objects are not anymore ’asking’ for my attention, care and love.
So yes, I am freed of the burden of books. These are nowadays not anymore important for me. ‘They’ became finally ‘neutral’ in being 🙂
So to give away and to share have given me the possibility to get rid of my possessed ego. Because my ‘I’ is not anymore attached to these costly belongings.
I have before written about my observation that ‘objects’ and persons – like my wife – are not at all my ”property”. See also my post about ‘Marriage’ on 13 January 2019: Click here
So my advice is: Start with sharing the possessions you don’t want to give away.
Because you will experience – via that ‘way’ – that you will set free your soul.
No property can than anymore own or possess you !
I could never imagine that I would become 43 years.
When I was ten years old I was visualising how it would be to be thirty years. To think further than that border was for me at that age impossible. But for sure there was one thing I knew. Finally, I would be an adult.
Shaving my face and pumping the fuel into the petrol tank of the car seemed for me the coolest activities in the world.
The Bomb would fall, we thought …
I grew up in the dark and somber years of the eighties. The atmosphere felt pessimistic. The economy was not functioning well and the adults were afraid that one day the Bomb would fall. Happily it never did fall, but when the disaster happened with the nuclear plant in Chernobyl – 26 April 1986 – my parents were very worried.
Some days later they were so relieved that the radioactive cloud was blown away to other regions than the Netherlands.
Today I am still wondering what happened to the people who were living in the areas where the radioactive parts were raining down on their vegetables.
I also remember a poster behind the windows of one of our neighbours. On it there were the words: ‘No Russians in my back garden’.
These impressions were for me the highlights of the Cold War. Cold, because there was no real war between the West and the USSR (nowadays Russia). But still many innocent civilians and spies were killed during clandestine operations.
Fall of the Berlin Wall
And than suddenly the Berlin Wall was overthrown (9 November 1989). My parents where flabbergasted. They never expected that this would ever be possible to happen. It was mind blowing.
The concrete of the Berlin Wall was so thick and the watchtowers were full of heavy armed soldiers. Immediately shooting with machine guns when a civilian was running into the no man’s land towards the big barrier of the Wall.
That day we saw on our small television screen the celebration of the excited crowd in Berlin. Many Dutch persons decided to drive to Berlin. Just to see with own eyes what was happening. To be a part of these historic days.
And to acquire some stones of the Wall. Or to get a legendary specimen of the Trabant (the car that was produced in East Germany).
It was such a vibe of freedom and relief. And a very good start of the nineties.
There was a huge change of atmosphere.
And when I am now again seeing the pictures of that time, observing how the people looked and how they were clothed, I am realising with a shock that this happened thirty years ago. It is so far away that it seems even that it never happened.
I dived in the world of Twitter
And in the week that I celebrated my birthday – feeling thankful to be alive after all that years – I decided also to do something new. I dived in the world of Twitter.
And it surprised me. Until now I did not understand Twitter.
For years I was asking myself why people are sending such short messages of just 280 characters. My mind did not grasp it.
And my ignorance was confirmed when I was reading the news reports about the ‘mind blowing’ tweets of the Commander in Chief of the United States of America 🙂
It seemed for me that Twitter is just a medium for old, angry, white men.
But I was wrong. A whole new universe is opening for me. My possibilities to communicate are extending. I am even connecting with far more people than before via Facebook.
One thing I am not ‘seeing’ quite well. And that is why one tweet is read by some people, while another tweet – which I am not expecting to have an impact – is watched by hundreds of humans.
And thus I am so surprised that my delightful tweet about the extension of the daylight – spring is coming ! – was visited in such a short time by … 1,043 persons !
And the number is still going up 🙂
Thank you all for that … I am enjoying it !
Fear. Because of fear I delayed to write about witchcraft. I felt that I was not ready to publish a post about this – for me heavy feeling – theme. So I waited, and waited, until this moment. Because now I sense the joy and space inside me to write without restraints. And yes, it works! I am writing smoothly, fast and light as a feather 🙂
Even nowadays I still remember the nightmare which I dreamt as a kid. During one night I was driving in a fast riding shopping cart. And I kept looking behind, because I was chased by an ugly, mean, old witch who was standing like a maniac in a shopping cart. Chasing and racing after me.
Everything I tried, but it was futile. I went slower and slower and she was coming closer and closer. I felt so scared, also because this was happening in the dark parking garage close to my home. There stood in narrow corridors the deserted, silver metal shopping carts.
The residents – living behind anonymous fronts of mail boxes and buzzers – seemed too lazy to bring these carts back to the nearby located supermarket. Or they felt too indifferent about the value and price of the shopping carts.
But happily, I escaped! In my dream I remembered suddenly something that had worked also in other dreams. I realised that I could fly! So I flared with all my might my arms, and yes, my feet left just on time the ground. And while I was soaring higher and higher, the grasping hands of the witch became smaller and smaller.
Some years later I felt impressed when I read a book about a pupil of a miller who learned how to use black magic. But these lessons came for the boy with a heavy burden. He discovered that he was trapped in the mill, that an unknown terror was going on and that the only spectators were a group of dark crows which were keeping an eye on him.
When I arrived in my twenties I started to get interested in ‘extreme’ themes like christian healings at psychic (paranormal) fairs, deliverance prayers, exorcism and ‘spiritual warfare’. These topics were not mentioned or preached in my home church, so I went to conferences of charismatic christians to be educated. Also I did read the books of some former witches, who were ‘converted’ to christianity.
I felt in that time so secure about what I was believing. And I justified what I was doing. And when I was feeling fear I tried to remind myself about what I had learned. I felt unbeatable.
Once there was a church service where the pastor was asking us to step on the devil and to trample him under our feet. The whole congregation stamped with the feet at the wooden floor, cheering, laughing and yelling. The noise was deafening.
After this ‘ritual’ we felt secured and confirmed in our beliefs. Did we not be the ones who were succesfully surviving in a world full of ‘evil influences’? And did we not be the ones who were already safe in our ‘lifeboats’?
Our ‘life insurance’ was that we were already at the ‘right road’ to our eternal destination.
And together with my friend Walter – he is the one who later committed suicide, see my post of 30 December: Click here – I climbed mount Olympus. Because we believed that we would bridle Zeus. And by doing so we would release the oppressed spirits of the people of Greece.
We were ignorant about that we were ‘manipulating’ our fantasies and our desires to be wild adventures, daring heroes and brave warriors 🙂 We did not understand that we were trying to prove ourselves that we were real men!
Obscuring hidden fears
Nowadays – looking back at my time as a christian – I realise that my certainity and tough proclamations were obscuring my hidden fears. I was not acknowledging that I was willingly blinding myself, not wanting to accept the reality that I am also a part of a fearful and insecure feeling humanity.
Today I feel liberated that I don’t anymore believe in a hell, satan or demons. To be free of that superstition has made my life less complicated.
But my lucidity has grown that we as humans can transform – in a moment – into angry and frustrated ‘demons’.
Or call us than ‘trolls’. Acting mad, nasty and dangerous. We have unfortunately the possibility to turn our lives into a hell.
Trolling (Urban Dictionairy)
Trolling – (verb), as it relates to internet, is the deliberate act, (by a Troll – noun or adjective), of making random unsolicited and/or controversial comments on various internet forums with the intent to provoke an emotional knee jerk reaction from unsuspecting readers to engage in a fight or argument
Trolling on-line forums as described above is actually analogous to the fishing technique of “trolling”, where colorful baits and lures are pulled behind a slow moving boat, often with multiple fishing lines, covering a large bodies of water, such as a large lake or the ocean. The trolling lures attract unsuspecting fish, intriguing them with the way they move through the water, thus enticing these foolish fish to “take the bait”. Not unlike unsuspecting internet victims, once hooked, the fish are reeled in for the catch before they realize they have been duped by the Troll/Fisherman (Click here for the page at the website of the Urban Dictionairy or click on the underlined words)
So what is witchcraft?
I believe that witchcraft are the combined efforts of the will of one person or a group to bent another(s) will towards the benefits and goals of one ego or a group Ego.
This bending – performed through rituals of incantations, malignant expressed imagery or the spreading of defamating lies – means the willfully violation of the freedom of another person, thus far that he or she is feeling oppressed, depressed or even suicidal. The other human seems to loose the possibility to feel free or to think coherently. The result of this is a constant cloud of confusion, despair and stress which is captivating (the brain of) one person or more persons and which is corroding the connection with joy, love, strength and courage.
So witchcraft includes all forms of manipulation – also the ‘innocent’ appearing advertisements which try to influence our sympathy towards random products – intimidation, blaming, shaming, accusing, cursing of others and the isolation of them. It is working via distorted imaginations which are damaging the perception of how people are seeing and experiencing others, themselves – also via gossip and controversial rumours – and ‘reality’.
It can produce weakness, illness or the killing of humans.
Witchcraft includes the sacrificing of humans which happened during pagan rituals like for instance those attributed to the Flayed Lord in Mexico.
To read more about these rituals, see the website of CNN or Click here
But it consists also out of the cruel incidents which humans are experiencing when they are blamed for acts which are not related to them. Their personal identity – including information about their place of living or their relatives – is attached to disgusting accidents via a hoax.
To read more about the brutal consequences of conspiracy theories which multiply very fast via social media and create innocent victims: Click here
Something alike has happened during centuries towards lonely living (old) women or widows. It concerns the unwarranted accusations or expressed fears of mostly (mighty) men towards women who were different from the other villagers. Only in the Netherlands there were during the Middle Ages many women falsely accused of witchcraft and after fake trials they were burned at stakes or drowned in canals. The same happened regrettable in other European countries.
Also nowadays the same old lies (of ‘us’ versus ‘those witches’) are still alive. These rumours are spreading for instance in villages in Africa or in South East Asia.
Like this news report about India is telling us at the website of CNN. To read more: Click here
All these experiences have specific ingredients in common. Like obscure rituals that are limited to specific people (who are not thinking in terms of the unity of humans, but who are using divisions between humans) and whose conscience is closed and hardened during (occult) crimes committed to vulnerable individuals. The results of these behaviours are fearful secrets which are silencing people and making them suspicious and fearful.
The insiders are bound together via required secrecy and via the fear that they will be punished severely when they ‘betray’ the horrors which happened within the group or community.
Also the outsiders are intimidated via fear (for instance via violent acts and death threats).
When I look at witchcraft I see that it is a haunted house built with the cards of fear. One of these is the fear of death. This worn card is used when others are cursed and threatened to be killed.
This fear seems to be strong, but it is fading away like fog when it is confronted with the unity of humans who are loving each other, despite everything and (en-) during all circumstances.
Because Love – even when it is not felt – is the real thing which is (eternal) present within us. Love is protecting us. We are Love and we are surrounded by a loving Universe. It is thanks to Love that we find the courage and determination to keep our place in Life and to be joyful about it.
I was her – by Court appointed – financial administrator. Taking care of her money and debts. And she called me by phone.
Again she was distrusting and disrespectful. Aggressively attacking me, doubting my motives and trying to blame me for the shortage of ‘her’ money.
I did not like the way how she treated me, but deep inside I felt somewhere some love for her. So I did my best to stay friendly and to be respectful towards her. When she again asked me for extra money, I confronted her with the actual amount of money at her bank account. And I kept asking her why she was so desperate to get more money.
Suddenly she ‘broke’. I heard the softening happening inside her. Even her voice became less aggressive, more vulnerable and more calm. She told me that she needed the money to pay her family in Suriname for their ‘services’ towards her three years old daughter, who had travelled alone – by plane – to her family.
In tears – crying – she explained that her daughter was very ill. She told me about the constant shaking of the body of her child and that her family had told her that it was caused by the curses which they had spoken against the life of her daughter.
The only way to cure her child from these curses was to sent her to her family. Because there needed be done a ritual of ‘washing’ in the dark woods of Suriname. After that her child would be finally free and healthy again.
The mother was sobbing when she said that she had no choice than to sent her very young child away – alone – to her family. For two weeks she would be separated from her kid.
I felt the horror of this situation and I kept thinking after she had finished her phone call: ‘Why did you sent your beautiful girl to these people who cursed her and who will probably abuse her somewhere in the jungle?’
I saw before me how this little girl would be hurted, branded and severely broken in her well-being, her personal identity and the safeguarding of her sexuality. And I felt very sorry for her that no one was protecting her against these atrocities of her distant living family members.
And I realised again how important it is to be together with others and to stay connected with trustworthy, loving people who take care and who nurture a culture of thankfully blessing and forgiving each other. Knowing how to dismantle lies and curses.
No rulers and no gurus anymore
So, what is needed with regard to witchcraft? I think two things:
So I like to shout now: ‘No rulers, no gurus, no secrets, no lies, no spells, no curses, no abuse of power anymore and elsewhere’.
Because I like to dream how this lovely earth will become more and more a pleasant place to be for everyone of us.
So, no Armaggedon or Doomsday, but an expanding Love which is irresistible carving and cutting its way through the Universe.
And through the dark woods of Suriname …
No one told me that my marriage would be at moments a hell. Not even my parents who are for years ‘happy’ married. No one prepared me for the feelings of sorrow, anger, frustrations and hate. But I could have known that I did someway warn myself: At the invitation card for our wedding we put the picture of a beautiful, lovely and quiet garden. But to enter that place of intimacy you had to go through flames … The gate was a consuming fire …
After seven years of struggling I have finally learned some lessons. And, happily, I am changing! I am really changing! I am a changing man. It is possible!
Today I am far more aware that my mind is filled with fairy tales and social narratives about how I have to behave (as a married man). And I am not the only one who is feeling miserable about these misleading stories.
Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan shows how this hidden thoughts are dictating our lives. Newspaper The Guardian summarizes his thoughts via the headline ‘The money, job, marriage myth: are you happy yet?’. Here you can find it: Click here
We are scripted how we have to behave
I sympathise with Paul Dolan. It is indeed all mental imagination about how we see ‘categories’ like man, woman, child, tree, animal and for instance a snow flock. These are conditioning containers loaded with associations and prescriptions. And from an early age we are scripted how we have to behave. And mostly we are unaware how these detailed thoughts form together a closely knitted spiderweb. A protocol which is binding us and limiting us in our freedom to reach our true potential and power. It tries to regulate our lives with regard to how we have to eat, sleep, work and recreate. Including how we are expected to have intercourse and with whom.
Of course it prevents us from unhealthy risks or dangerous actions, but it makes our lives also boring and unchallenging. And in essence it’s all dictated by our Ego. Because ‘we’ desire to live secure and comfortable. In a fairy tale with a ‘happy end’ and with clear roles for each one of us.
To reach clarity we judge permanently whether we are accepting or rejecting what we are watching. And via unspoken and obscure words we paint the feelings which our minds are willingly producing for us, just in a blink of our eyes.
We are not taking notice about how our ‘automatic pilot’ is functioning inside. And minutes later we are wondering why we are feeling like we are feeling.
We simply are most of the time not really ‘present’ in the situation. Or just forgetting how we were misleaded in our perceptions of reality. And we tumble again in the dark abyss of our intense and ‘primitive’ emotions.
Producing pleasant interpretations
So many times our minds try to simplificate reality by presenting us simple ”choices” which we can answer with a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Even our sympathy or antipathy is mostly black or white. It is not based at a thoroughly evaluation of the situation or the person who we are meeting. We just assume and we perceive afterwards – when we are not clinging to our decided positions – that our judgements were not at all correct. Because we were not seeing all aspects of the other and not knowing the total of events which he or she went through.
But even when we are aware there lingers still the fairy tale about the moment when we meet the one and only person who is designed for our needs. We believe that there is love at first sight, that our partners should always satisfy us and that – by the way – there should be great, seducing sex. Also we assume that we will stay together for the rest of our lives, while we don’t have the possibility to know what future will brings us. Because we are still expecting that we will live ‘long and happy afterwards’.
Did I ever hear before my marriage about the struggles and storms which I would meet? No one told me. No one warned me when I was walking the road towards my wedding day. Also no one did give me the promise that this would be possible the path whereby I would understand myself far better than anytime before. Also that it would create the perspective and chance to get rid of my dominant Ego.
Love flourish at a soil of impossibilities and imperfections
So I observed through trials that love flourish at a soil of impossibilities and imperfections.
When my wife entered my life like a whirlwind she swept away the chess pieces which I had carefully placed at the board of my mind. It were the pieces of an exaggerated positive self image which was not knowing its limitations. And yes, I was purposely blind for the flaws of myself.
After our dating period I experienced feelings and thoughts which I never had before. And later on I tried to ease my discomfort about our repeated quarrelings by blaming my wife for our arguments and by trying to call her to account. I really believed that she was always the first who started our battles and that I was just reacting and trying to limit her intense verbal expressions. I tried with all my might to convince her about her wrongdoings.
I walked with open eyes in self-justifications and I could not believe that I was the one who was causing problems.
Ouch, my Ego is such a stubborn and stupid ‘donkey’. Not listening and unmighty to act wise at all. For many times I stubbed my foot against the same stone. Not knowing how to prevent it. And not realising that I could jump towards another direction.
Days to recover from angry disputes
How I could dig my heels in my feelings of anger. I needed days to recover from the bitter disputes. Because I was attaching to my sour memories about what had happened. In my mind I saved a vivid collection of very visual views of what my wife had done.
And I was not interested in my own destructive behaviour patterns, because I tried at all costs to protect and preserve myself.
But finally – after countless moments of hell – I was learning that it is possible to make other choices. Even in the hottest argument there is a possibility to change the course of the fight.
I detected that I can make another evaluation of the situation, even when my mind is creating angry thoughts and trying to convince me to throw these as hurting hurricanes towards my wife.
When my Ego is feeling insecure or wounded
I laid bare that my mind is not anymore an useful tool when my Ego is feeling insecure or wounded. And when I am confused or overloaded with intense feelings and thoughts. My Ego is than very egoistic 🙂
Not helping me to de-escalate or to calm down. Instead it is stoking the fire and freezing me in an immobile position by sending me judging thoughts and ice cold condemnations.
My Ego is not shaped to behave well when it is confronted with a confusing complexity or with the will of another human. It is than becoming as heavy as a statue of stone. A pressing and blocking obstacle. Not relativizing any detail or choosing to change one’s tune. Instead it is exaggerating and overstating. Blowing small things out of proportion. Creating big drama. And isolating me by showing me an absurd picture of the situation which is totally out of context and out of my control.
So what have I learned?
That I have to accept that the situation is developing otherwise than I am liking. And that the only one who I can try to calm down is myself. And even that is sometimes very difficult.
In those crises I need the awareness that I have to reset my mind. Because it is dysfunctioning. Even when I am pretending that I am the one who is keeping his head cool and even when I am fleeing like a refugee to my rationality. But also my logic is than failing like a fake friend.
I am not my Mind
The changing moment was that a divorce seemed inevitable. I felt so much sorrow and distress about the nearer coming definite separation of my wife. And I realised deep inside that I don’t desire to miss her. Because I love her like a fire which is so intense that it is also burning my Ego to ashes. I really want to lay my life down for my wife and my kids.
Also I uncovered the reality that I am not my mind. Somewhere there is an awareness inside me which is coming from a deeper place. This place is not connected with my Ego. And no one can claim it for his own benefits. This spot of rest and peace is always just a breath away from myself. It is cherishing and pampering my bones and blood. It is such a strong loving force that I can feel it wrapping itself around my existence, my body and around all the creatures of this world. It is inside and outside me. It is everywhere.
That place of Love is the airless eye within a storm. The ultime solid ground under my feet. It is the foundation of my spirit. It can’t be prisoned. It is Freedom itself. It is the Wind which is blowing through all times, places and positions of people.
Aha, my mind is making problems again
When I am in pain or when I am (dis)stressed, it is very difficult to reach that place. But it is helping me that I have created in the meantime a distance between my mind and ‘me’ (which is also a collection of the mental images created by my mind).
It is helping, because I can now think when my Ego is perceiving a ‘crisis’: ‘Aha, my mind is making problems again’ (liking to create drama!).
And to be in the place of Love is also the timeless place where there is an abundance of forgiveness ever for everyone. For myself, my wife and every other one living at this planet. It is the place where no records are hold about the wrongdoings of whoever. It is a place of acceptance. I am there invited to forget the ‘shocking’ things which my mind was stirring up or which were troubling my Ego.
And thanks to the Love deep wired inside my being I can resettle my mind within moments. Where I first needed some days to refind rest and peace I can now accept the feelings of anger. Observe them, let them be and let them go.
My wife is not my property
I guess that what changed me also is the wisdom that I am only ‘responsible’ for my own behaviour and not for that of others. I am not the pedant or schoolmaster who is correcting or teaching another. And happily I say nowadays far more easy sorry than before 🙂
Also there is the deeper and helping knowledge that my wife is not my property. She is an autonomous creature, a grown up like me. She is not a child. I don’t owe anyone. I even don’t owe my body. These are entrusted to me to take care and to nourish. So that they will become mature. That they will blossom and bear many fruits.
And I assess also today that the centuries-old (christian?) thought that the man is ‘the head’ (supervisor) of his wife is a big, enchanting lie. Because it is devaluating every woman and it is subjecting (the mind of) a woman like an object to the will of a mistakes making man.
Love needs distance
Finally, I have experienced that friendship and love need distance. It is good to be separated from each other for a while. To have a pause. Distance makes it possible to enjoy a closer approach and again the befriending of each other. Like it was just the first moment. Or a new possibility to start again. To look with other eyes. To become aware of unseen realities. Even when the other is looking so familiar.
It is psychotherapist Esther Perel who writes in her book ‘Mating in Captivity, unlocking erotic intelligence’ about the importance of distance between sex partners. She is also discussing these topics via the TED talks. To hear more about these themes: Click here
A level which I can’t oversee
Deeper than deep there is the connection between myself and my spouse at a level that I can’t oversee or gauge.
My wife – who did not anymore dare to expect that I would change – said something that made me very happy. She spoke some days ago in my ears the for me immortal sounding words:
‘Finally, you climbed down your throne !’
Again I felt the ‘heaviness’ of the last days of the year. Of course it is my mental imagination and illusion. It is the same like the imaginary transition from one year to another.
But I was confronted with feelings of depression and sorrow. Instead of glow I experienced gloom. And ‘knock, knock’, there were the ‘old’ pains of my youth. Standing at the door of my consciousness. And I felt again a shortage of heard compliments. And under that I sensed the deep longing of ‘the child’ inside me. To be welcomed in this world to be just myself. And to be seen with unjudging eyes!
Pain! I had just one day filled with the pains of my soul!
Happily, I told my wife about it. I was open and transparant about what I was feeling. It helped to protect my wife so that she did not feel too burdened by the negative atmosphere around me. And it did give me relief and the possibility to accept myself. Without judging my feelings and thoughts. Just to let me be … myself?
The dogs of doom
Probably it is also because I am taking the stock of what 2018 has brought me. To check where I am standing and what I would like to reach in 2019. And again I am aware that my mind is playing a game of granting meaningfulness.
And suddenly I remember the words which I read already years ago:
‘The dogs of doom stand at the doors of your destiny’. (© Kris Vallotton)
Yes, it is true. My feelings of pain are barking loud. Very loud!
Happily, I can sleep through my heavy feelings. After one good night I can feel reborn and I am again rejoicing my life. But I know there are far more people who are feeling depressed day after day.
Like my good friend Walter. He was diagnosed with manic depression.
He had periods when he was feeling ‘high’ and insurmountable. He was than the ‘star’ in his own story. But inevitable there was always a backfall from grace. In those periods he was feeling ‘weak’ and doing ‘stupid’ things. Like wasting his money. Just by giving it to vague acquaintances with enchanting stories.
Jumping before a train
Four years ago Walter jumped before a high speed train and died. His body parts were found all over the rails to Rotterdam. He left behind a wife and two young kids.
For the driver of the train it was the eleventh moment in his life that this horror happened. Before his eyes.
Again he saw a human jumping from the edge of the platform. And watched helplessly, while he could do nothing to prevent it from happening.
Just this week I heard that a man in his fifties – who is troubled for years by depressions – has tried to commit suicide.
I met him some years ago via a mutual friend. He was found – just in time – in his home by his beautiful and musical talented wife.
But I am asking myself: ‘When will he try again?’ And will his next attempt be ‘successful’? And is it really possible to help yourself or another when ‘we’ are feeling trapped deep downstairs somewhere in the ‘darkness’?
Can there be than a light in our darkest hour? And can its glimpses reach us? Even when it is desperately flickering? Or when it seems to be extinguishing. Just before our eyes?
I felt so impressed when I was seeing for the first time in my life how this little lamp was surviving in the darkness.
It seemed like a little scintillating spark of a star which was fixed with a pendant to the high and unattainable dark ceiling. Shining its very little light of purity in a big empty space of obscurity.
Rest me for this moment to wish you a ‘bright’ New Year with more than 365 little lights which will guide you at your next steps in the unknown territory of 2019. Love you all!
See you soon after the dawning border of the last Evening of this Year!
And thank you all for reading my posts!
One thing has not changed for me during more than thirty years. I still experience the Sundays as ‘boring’. When I was a child I was obliged to go to church. I felt relieved when we again entered our home after the hours of sitting, singing and listening. And while my parents were drinking coffee I ‘dived’ and ‘hided’ in a book. It was the only place – besides the toilet and my bed – where I encountered my own private space.
How I loved it. Just ‘me’ who ‘owned’ for myself alone that specific place in space and time. I felt at rest and I enjoyed that I was the only one knowing this secret place. For hours I was exploring the universe of my imagination.
An empty feeling day
Nowadays I don’t go anymore to church at Sunday. And that creates a ‘problem’. I am confronted with an empty feeling day. What can I do? The structure of the week is fading away. I don’t have to bring my kid to school, I don’t have to search for a paid job and I don’t have to do the household or to go to sports.
My mind is going in alarm mode
And because there is not much to do, I feel bored. And at that moment I am confronted with my mind which is going in an alarm mode. It is sending me heavy feeling words about the meaning of my life. It is offering me conclusions which I don’t want to embrace. It is asking me why I don’t seem to be happy, while my basic needs are already fullfilled.
And in those moments of ‘boredom’ my imagination starts also to work. I see myself saving other fellow humans. And I am wondering how I can escape the shooting of gunmen when they are coming from various directions in a very small street.
And than I feel again the deep longing to attribute my piece to the history and progress of us humans. And I sense that I am after all that years still searching for my ‘position’ in this world. What can I do? Why am I here at earth?
Is there anything left that I can fullfil in this small amount of lifetime after the billions of unknown humans who have already done their ‘task’ in so many centuries and have passed away. God knows where they are and whether they are still somewhere …
The beauty and intelligence of animals
Somehow my mind don’t want to accept that we are just like the animals. And why is my mindset protesting against that? There should be no reason for that. Because look to the animals. How beautiful they are! How intelligent! They are really smart! The only ‘problem’ is that we are not knowing them, not understanding their ‘voices’. That’s why we are indifferent about their fate and that’s why we are mistreating them. Even that don’t change that they are very ‘unique’ in their sort and varity. They even have feelings, a memory and an awareness of themselves! Wow!
We as humans are also replaceable
So why should we as humans be separated from the animals? Why should we even imagine that we are ‘more’ than them? That we are even the top of everything that is alive? Is that not just an arrogant expression of our ego? Or don’t we want to accept that we as humans are also replaceable like the ants which I was dashing under my feet when I was a kid? It was a ‘massacre’ … Our garden showed at grassroots level a ‘killing field’.
I have never seen a human who was mourning about the death of an ant. Also I have never heard about someone who was paying tributes after a fly was smashed with a swatter.
So the strange thing is that we are not searching for meaning when an animal is killed, but when a related human is dying it seems that our brains are yelling and commanding us to find the meaning of it.
Receiving the things which belong to us
I have also discovered that my mind is searching for reason when I am receiving thoughts like ‘Why is this happening to me?’ or ‘Why did I experience that?’ Somewhere in my subconsciousness there is a belief that I am receiving the ‘things’ which are ‘belonging’ to me. Whether it are ‘blessings’ or …
But the question is why should there be a meaning? Why should there be a belonging or why should I be the ‘possessor’ of other beings or things? And why should I take the events in my life personally?
For instance when something is going otherwise than I expected there can be suddenly the thought: ‘Oh, no, what will befall me more today?’
That while it was only one incident and while it is nothing predicting about how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ my whole day will be. It is the same like how rain showers can lead to the statement that the weather is ‘bad’. The abundance of water can even cause a feeling of depression.
So the temptation is to generalize and to create big (meaningful?) conclusions which are based on little and small accidents. And the ‘stupid’ thing is that there is no correlation at all between the incident and myself or between me and ‘my’ day.
Again I am tricked by my mind which is deliberately searching for answers, for meaning and for ‘truth’.
The same thing seems to happen with regard to the ‘great’ dramas that take place during our lifetimes. For instance when humans are daily raped and killed. Or when there is again somebody somewhere sexual abused. And many times the victims are tortured by questions like: ‘Why me?’ Or ‘how could I have prevented it from happening to me?’
Or when they are blaming themselves for how the shocking events occured, without them having the possibility to stop these. Or when there are the feelings of guilt, shame, anger and despair.
But even than there is no correlation between the ‘victim’ and the horror which happened. Because when the perpetrator was really ‘knowing’ – his own, your and mine worthfullness and dignity – he would never have done it.
So every act – whatever it is – is showing something in the outside world about the inner thoughts and feelings of the person which was doing it. There is no reason or meaning why someone was receiving the anger, the aggression or the violence from another person.
Even when I was going to church I did not truly believe in ‘punishment’. I could never believe that God was killing his own ‘son’ as a punishment for our ‘sins’ (transgressions). But nowadays, writing this blog, I am far more understanding why Jesus was shouting: ‘Father, forgive them! They are not knowing what they are doing’.
Six millions murdered Jews and others
Many times there seems to be no reason at all.
Why were six millions of Jews murdered in the concentration camps? And all the other persons at the other places in that times?
And why got some humans after the war the label ‘hero’ and others that of the ‘traitor’? Can you see how our minds are making differences by creating opposites? Can you catch the (insecure and unstable) ego when it is creating labels like ‘winners’ / ‘losers’, ‘handsome’ / ‘ugly’, just to feel (yourself?) elevated above the rest?
Or when it is providing strong opinions – trying to secure our confidence and comfort – about how a man or a woman should behave (the issue of gender). Or how a boy should be clothed and why he should not play with the dolls of a girl? Or when we are feeling pain about how our relatives are dealing with us and we suddenly remember all that other awkward situations. Are you than aware that our minds immediately start to create the arrows which we can shoot at those who ‘offend’ us? Like the insults, the curses, the blames and the lamentations. Suddenly we seem to play hide and seek in an armory full of offensive ‘labels’ instead of a green meadow full of flowers and zooming bees.
That devil of an ego!
So we are not only separating the humans from the animals, but also the humans from the humans. Even it seems that much of the previous mentioned ‘horror’ was forthcoming out of the thoughts of dehumanizing others and blaming them for all the miserable feelings, frustrations and the worse daily living conditions. Like poverty, addictions and domestic violence.
Of course we can tell afterwards about the hate, the shortage of self-esteem and dignity that did lead during the war to such a collective collaboration and outburst of bloodshed and killings. We can try to explain it by focussing at the ideology or the training which was given to the killers. But still there is no real meaning why gifted and intelligent humans were killing other lovely and sweet humans.
Beaches of Normandy
Also there seems to be no reason why so many young men were dying at the beaches of Normandy. We can create a story about the ‘heroic’ fight between ‘good’ and ‘evil’, but in reality there was no other choice than to leave the boats and to swim and run to the beaches. They were fearfully seeing that the sand and the sea were already red coloured from the blood of their predecessors. And while fresh bullets were flying around their ears, the heads and bodies of their ‘comrades’ were already piling up before them in the on and off going golfs of the turbulent sea.
Why are we awakening every day?
So is there a deeper meaning why we are awakening every day? Why we are eating our food, drinking our drank and greeting each other? Is it just because we have no choice? Is it because we desperately want to survive? Is it because we know that it is more ‘wise’ to be friendly towards each other? That it is giving us ‘better’ feelings and rewards than when we are humiliating our ‘neighbours’ or living towards a new raging and devouring war?
Is it because we are loving our children and that we want to attribute to their wellbeing? And that we also desire to reach the age where we will see that they are becoming fathers and mothers themselves?
Rescued from our minds and imaginations
Maybe we are still not knowing it. Maybe there is no meaning at all. And maybe we will only in death be rescued from our minds, imaginations and the continually created interpretations, explanations and justifications. And from the idols, God(s), monsters, gnomes, giants and whatever statues of fantasy. Maybe we will find in death the rest and comfort we were chasing during our lives?
Maybe in that ‘final’ (?) day we will also be rescued from our personhoods. And from our names, stripes and mental medals. Again an illusion of our mind will than come to a peaceful end.
Probably it is the core of us that we are in essence no persons at all!
Simularities between us and millions of ants
So even while we are looking differently than other humans – do we as individuals be really that unique as we are presuming? – there could be more similarities between us and the millions of ants that are living under our paving stones.
Probably we are in essence far more equal to the ants than what our egoistic, dualistic and to differences attracted minds are liking us to believe …
Could it be that our minds are betraying us daily by distracting us with ‘loud sounding’ thoughts and feelings? So that we stay tuned to the perspective to watch only in opposites? Like the flashes and rumours of an old black and white television?
Just to prevent us to finally apprehend it and to see with unblinded eyes … Sameness !