Finally I am learning two life lessons. After stumbling so many times. And after falls. Laying upside down in the mud. And standing up. And trying again.
Now I am more understanding and experiencing these lessons in my life. Am I already arrived? Not yet, but I am happily on the way and enjoying the surroundings.
Conforming others to my imagination
For so long I was unaware that I was judging others and blaming them for not being and doing like me or like how I wanted them to be and to do. I was blind for the dark desire that others had to conform to my selfish imagination.
Also I was protecting and defending my prickled ego. While I was ‘good’, the others were ‘mistaken’. It was for me important to preserve my positive self image and my good feelings about myself. It got many times more priority than the ‘good looks’ and feelings of others. When I was younger I even tried to block the news flashes about poverty, famine and cruel, lethal diseases. I did that just to stay in ‘balance’. Because I was fearing that distress would rob me of my self manipulated views of being ‘happy’ and ‘stable’.
I have discerned how treacherous my ‘ego’ is. For instance: When I am feeling uncertain about a – by my ego viewed – ‘strong’ person (‘strong’ means than for ‘’me’’ independent, verbal present and dominant) and when I am feeling in need for the grace of that person than my mind is creating very negative thoughts about him or her. Insinuating bad things. Painting a monstrous portrait of this person. And because I am not well knowing this man or woman my mind is producing negative scripts about the intentions and acts of that person. It is doing that to prevent ‘’me’’ of being overwhelmed by a ‘shocking’, strong presence of the other.
My ‘ego’ wants desperately to be in controll. To dominate the environment and to be the all providing, allmighty god in my own world. And by judging it makes divisions between me and the unknown, dangerous (?) other. Such large are the accusations and antipathies that these are sometimes difficult to bridge. Because the pride and arrogance of my ego tries to prevent any form of familiarity and friendship. And by paying a price of isolation and desolation it creates a very small prison for my own ego.
Judging makes others insignificant
For long I was not knowing that my judging was coming out of fear and that by judging I was making other people small, insignificant, less powerful and that I was even trying to bent them to my will.
The results of my judging were that these were reducing the space for others to be themselves. Unspoken was there ‘somewhere in the atmosphere’ the hidden imagination whereby the others had to act conform the scripts I had already invented and created for them. To be reduced to a not mighty and not anymore frightening position of a ‘non-adult’. To become a predictable clone or puppet. While my ego was crowning itself to be the only sovereign ‘adult’ in the room.
Luckily I am learning how to accept the differences of the persons around me. And that they may do the things they want to do. And that this means that it is going otherwise than I would like. And that I can’t prevent that. Even that they can do things which are painful or harmful for me.
And by really accepting others I am discovering that it is giving me also far more freedom and rest. Happily the only one I have to supervise is myself. And the only thing I have to do in regard to others is to let them just be themselves. Just let them be! It is okay that they are themselves!
Love needs distance
The second lesson I am recognizing is that love needs distance. Earlier in time I was thinking that love meant that two persons were becoming one unity or identity. It seemed for me the most beautiful thing to be accomplished. But instead I discovered that it is producing a dull and predictable relation. A partnership where you are doing the same things or trying to think the same is deadly for the long term.
Love originates out the awareness that the other is and may be different than me. And that that person is – even knowing my flaws and faults – still not leaving me. While he or she is also free to make one day that choice to let me alone with myself.
Love is becoming exciting when the other is suprising me with an act, a thought or statement which I was totally not expecting. Even when I am in that moment discovering sides and aspects of my partner which I was not knowing and which I wish were still hidden. When the other is showing me feelings and thoughts I dislike and which I want to dispute. And when the other is making me aware of my own blind spots which I afterwards would like to pretend not to see.
Embracing the differences of the other
With this knowledge it is a daring deed to embrace the other. In his or her totality. Not embracing only the parts I am liking, but the whole person. Accepting, accepting and accepting.
It is necessary to keep distance between me and the other so that I can experience the space to be myself and that I can give the other also the space to be herself or himself.
And being in a state of healthy distance to the other means also that every physical embrace becomes a successful result of our mutual choice to become together for one moment a powerhouse of vulnerability and a rainbow of promising possibilities. It shows that our different views, changing humours and ‘strange’ universes may indeed be designed to exist peacefully side by side …