My grandmother celebrated her birthday. She is now 96 years. And somewhere the light of that age is shining at me. Because when she can reach the top of that mountain, it should be also possible for me. And feeling joyful about that, I am ignoring the fact that many others are not reaching that amount of time.
Finally, I am reading the obituaries in the local newspapers. I remember that I was not paying attention to these for years. Deliberately I always scrolled further. Rapidly. Somewhere those messages did frighten me. For sure I did not like to be confronted with the mortuality of my ‘own’ existence.
Even today I can still feel that anxiety. Last time I read at a wall the question, written in graffiti: ‘Which things do you like to have done before you die?’
I felt a shiver, because I don’t like to think about this question when I am just walking in the plain sunlight at a crowded street. It is the same thing like that I am feeling a tremble when I see a human skeleton, skulls or bones.
But reading week after week the local newspapers, I am taking notice of the ages of the departed persons. And I am in silence counting the days and years that lay before me.
Somewhere I am fooling myself
Am I afraid of death? I think not. But somewhere I am fooling myself. Because I really desire to become very old. To discover whether it is possible to become ‘wise’ and ‘mature’. And to see that my kids are transforming in grown ups. And that they will get children themselves. Just to see that life is going further. That despite difficulties and impossibilities the new generations are arising.
And deep inside me the ‘kid’ is still believing that the ancient story about Jesus who raise from the death is true. That he was transformed above imagination and that he arose at the other side of the grave.
Somewhere I don’t accept that death will be the final destination. I desperately do love to believe that Life is the base and bottomline of everything, even death. That Life is the invincible force. That death is not the swallowing dark hole in our ‘universe’, but that Life is devouring death.
Even when no form is immanent or permanent, ‘something’ should be invariable. Be it Love. Or be it Life. And while everything (also everyone) changes through time, the energy in all these forms keeps to be present. It can’t be destroyed. Energy is really eternal and the essential flowing force.
I have prepared everything which is possible for me
In case that I would be earlier leaving the form of my body I have prepared everything which is in my control. I have written down my last will. And my wife and I have shared our wishes to our relatives, specially with regard to our children.
To know that I have done all that is in my possibilities, is giving me a feeling of rest and peace. That even when I am somewhere at some place surprised by death that I am somehow prepared for that moment. Knowing that after my departure there will be the necessary help and comfort for my wife and children.
And yes, at the otherhand I am looking forward with expectation to the last breath in this dimension of flesh and blood. I am so curious about what will happen to me. What will I feel? Will I experience that I am leaving my body? Will I be flying above my own entity?
I will try to be fully present and aware in that moment
Or is that not possible? Will the lamp of my awareness be switched off and won’t it anymore be turned on? Won’t I know anything at all, just after one flash of light? Like that it is for me still impossible to remember anything from before the time of my birth.
As far as possible I will embrace death. And I will try to be fully present and aware in that moment.
So will I regret to leave this temporary life? Not totally. Yes, I am determined to stay alive to be present for my wife and kids. But also I won’t miss the troubles and pain (or illness) which are mainly caused due to the behaviours of other people and those of my self.
These behaviours and thought structures can be exhausting. And the tiredness about it can feel like the robbery of life energy, hope and the will to live.
Feeling withered, dry and barren it can be sometimes difficult to pursue and to push through. To live day after day, hoping that the night will give the possibility to rest and to relax. To receive new energy, new dreams and visions.
Every fixed form will be stripped
I am looking forward to discover whether it is possible to live without the form of my body (which I love and which I protect, nurture and care for).
So, yes, please, don’t mourn the loss of form …
That what is after time unnecessary or not fitting anymore will be burned down through the leveling ‘fire’ of death. Finally, in death are all people equal and free of Ego.
I believe that every (fixed or rigid) form will be stripped and that naked essence will remain. In that place we won’t anymore know the time framed meaning of ‘nudity’.
So via the ‘rite de passage’ of death we can be freed of that what is not real. So that what is of timeless value can shine without a veil.
And I believe that we will be transformed into this Transparancy.
A transparancy free of thoughts and words.
It is. Just it is. And yes it can be.
It can take every shape and it can be cloathed with uncountable ‘cloaks’ and ‘mantles’.
It is what it is. Or it is not what it is 🙂
Pure Essence and Authoritative Expressiveness.
At least, that’s what my hope is telling me 🙂