White Clouds Reflect In An Oval of Intense Blue The Wingspan of My Floating Brains

When Walter phoned me, it was two days before his death. He sounded ‘strange’, although I could not put my finger on it. For sure I knew that he was not a drug user. When I thought later that evening about our conversation I got the impression of ‘Distance’. He sounded distant. Like that he was sitting on a cloud. High in the sky.

That image proved later to be true. When he phoned me, it was meant to be a farewell. Though I did not know it, he had already left me.

Some days later his belongings were found at the edge of the platform. When he jumped, both his kids were sleeping. Walter’s wife was sitting at home, vainly waiting for his return.  

I was remembering this when I was observing the deep blue sky and the white clouds. Far away, very far away were some seemingly small birds flying. They looked lost in that big amount of space, but did also give me the impression that they were just on track. Flying towards their destinations, like the planes far above their wings.  

I realised that it was long ago that I watched for so long the sky and clouds. Too many times I am just quick glancing. Looking up, but not really paying attention to what I am seeing.

I thought about us humans. Travelling towards distant places and even planets, but nearly never exploring with our eyes the big blue dome which is spanning every day and night above our heads.

Than I imagined what I would do with billions of money. Would I spent it as an investment in space travel? Like so many billionaires are doing today? I said ‘no’ as an answer to myself.  

Digging a tunnel through the planet

What I really would like to do with that amount of money is to invest it in the very big operation of digging a tunnel through the surface of the earth and through all the layers towards the other side of the planet. From Spain to that other distant nation. Because I would like to prevent that the channel would finish somewhere in the big blue ocean.

What a challenge would it to overcome the impossibilities of travelling through the fire inside the earth. To be confronted with the very heavy and inhuman gravity. So much tons of pressure. And the very high temperature of nearly 6000 degrees and the journey of nearly 6000 kilometers to reach that heat.

What an expedition would it be! To the core and heart of the earth. It would be a journey into unexplored territory. Like diving to the bottom of the ocean floor. What a possibility would it give to the branches of science, like archeology, history science, earth sciences and engineering.

And yes, it will give us an opportunity to explore the possibilities to make materials that are really indestructible. Things that can’t be destroyed by the hottest fires and the heaviest pressures. It would also create new inventions to bring within our reach a space travel towards the fiercefully flaming sun.

My brain was reacting at what I was seeing

Finally, I felt that – due to my gazing at the blue sky and the white clouds – my brain was reacting at what I was seeing for so long. I felt sensations like that my brains were electrificating. Small waves were going in all directions through the network of the veins in my brains.

Like that my brains were floating in that big and deep amount of space and intense blue. Having the same shape and structure like the white clouds above my head.

I felt no stress, just relaxed afterwards. Like a meeting with my inner self, but than in the big space outside my own body …  

And somewhere I got the impression that the big blue dome is challenging me to leave my flat and sometimes hollow and narrow patterns of thinking.

Intense blue means now for me: In essence there are no problems or impossibilities. There is and will be always a permanent roof above our heads that is expressing the unity of Everyone and Everything … In, under and above the earth … Bridging all the seemingly difficult contradictions of our minds and imaginations … 🙂

Reconciliation of the Generations – How I Finally Learned to Love My Faithful Father

I never expected to see my father with his face and a sad story in the biggest newspaper of the Netherlands, ‘De Telegraaf’ (Click here).

Also I heard my father (67) being interviewed about the same topic on the national television. In the daily news show of ‘Hart van Nederland’ (Click here). And in the following days nearly all the national and regional newspapers were writing about it.

And amidst that ‘news storm’ I felt inside me a strange feeling of ‘honour’. Because I saw that my father was acting calm, upright and clear. Just like how I always want to be … 🙂

And so I learned these days that when ‘shit and shame’ is crossing your path – specially when it is not your own created drama – that you even than can make the best of the situation. That it is possible to react wise, mature and honest. And to demonstrate virtue, character and integrity.

And again, I discovered that my father is a ‘hatchet man’. Structuring the debris of others so that it can be cleaned up. Working very hard to limit the further spreading of the oil slick.

Trying to prevent more damage and to protect others.

After all, he is an experienced leader. His analytical and organizational capacities are well developed.

I felt dominated by my father

The relationship between my father and me was for years not well.

When growing up I felt dominated and not accepted by my strong opinionated and directive father. I saw myself like a little plant wrestling for space and oxygen in the shadow of a big, overwhelming tree.

I was otherwise thinking and feeling than him. Making choices which were worrying him.

For instance: He is for decades a faithful churchgoer and elder, while I am not anymore visiting church services at Sunday.

But, I admit, in this time of church scandals and MeToo stories I felt uplifted seeing how my father was framing this ‘dirty’ story. For sure, I thought, this moment ‘the church’ did happily not appear to be ‘slow acting’, ‘ignorant’ and ‘foolish’.

Three long walks on the heath

It dured until my marriage – and thanks to my wife – that I finally found the courage to show my father my pain. After that revelation of my inner debris we made, at my initiative, three long walks on the heath.

I was surprised that my father was giving me full permission to ask him – without any limitations – every question. And he was patient listening and seriously answering.

And than, finally, I dared to ask him whether he loves me? I hesitated and hesitated and felt awkward, but happily I asked it. Not wanting to let this insecurity anymore exist inside me. And risking the possibility that I would never know, while he would suddenly be passed away.

And for the first time in my life he comfirmed that he loves me!

Finally, I am leveling with my father

And when my first child was born, I felt that I was at last leveling with my father. I had upgraded my life to the same essence of being a parent.

Seeing the smile on the face of my father and the light in his eyes – when he was visiting us in the hospital – I felt that we both were standing at common ground. For the first time in my life I felt the equal of my father.

And when we nowadays are disagreeing and colliding, having still a different mindset, we can reunite and regroup at a very small spot in the Universe. It is a thousands years old, fertile source. A powerplace, and, yes, I dare to say it, a ‘holy’ well. It is the ‘sacred’ commitment that we in the core of our being love to be a ‘good’ father for our kids and the next generations which will be uprising in the coming centuries.

This is ‘promising’ soil we both can’t oversee …

And both of us won’t be entering this far away ‘country’ in our aging form of flesh and blood … 🙂