I screwed up. I felt so irritated about the behaviour of my daughter. I had already given her many warnings. And than I reacted very intense and fiercy at a small misstep of her. And, ouch, than my wife started to battle me.
I felt so stressed about the situation that I could not slow down and give attention to my little son. So, no, this evening I was not tickling him.
Afterwards I felt myself a ‘failing’ father. But happily I could console myself that I am ‘mostly’ friendly and peacefully towards others. Giving attention and being present in the moment.
I felt the determination to do it otherwise next evening. Just conform the common sleep ritual in our family of four.
It had grown in my imagination
But even after a night of sleep I felt ‘bad’ about what had happened. I tried to relativise it, because it was not such big as it had grown in the meantime in my imagination. Standing very early in the morning before the mirror in the shower room I decided to offer my family my apologies, just when we would sit down to eat our morning food.
And yes I did. I said sorry to my wife and to my kids. Just mentioning what I did wrong and how I like to behave otherwise. I felt that the words were coming from my heart. These words were upright and real.
And wow, before my eyes I saw the effects. Again I was impressed about the power of words ( see also my blog from 18 October 2018: Click here )
Before my eyes there did take place a softening. The atmosphere became more warmly during these first moments of our new day.
While my wife looked first a little grumpy, she started smiling at me. And I saw that my kids became more relaxt. There arose again the freedom to be yourself and there was felt far more space around our table.
Wow, this morning my flaws just transformed into flowers.
I was again very surprised about the possibility of saying sorry. The power of expressed regret which is felt from inside, from the place of our hearts.
For many years absent in my life
I even felt a little proud, because the power to say sorry was for many years absent in my life.
I did come from a background where I never heart that adults were saying sorry to each other. Even my father never said sorry to me about some of his behaviours. At least, I can’t remember it.
It was during my first job that a colleague explained to me the essence and usefulness of saying sorry to others. And when I just tried this in practice – even with confused feelings, feeling insecure and hesitating, but also determined – I felt that I was liberating myself. I escaped the prison of my Ego. The big walls of separation and self-justification – built during years – were crumbling in seconds.
It is good to expand the vulnerability of myself. Even when I am than feeling ‘weak’. And even when people are offending me, when they try to belittle me. Not knowing who I am and what my possibilities are to behave ‘ugly’ and ‘destructive’ towards them 🙂
Oh, what a challenge to forgive those who are misbehaving towards me. Oh, what an impossibility for my Ego, when I am feeling the rage and hate about what others are doing. Seeing very sharp their ‘unrighteous’ acts. And sensing the murderous thoughts which my mind is sending than about it. Happily, those are fading away when I am just observing these thoughts.
Oh, what an energy I am feeling than inside me. An energy which is wanting to burst out. To go outside my body. To explode and to be a Big creating Bang.
I am desiring that I can transform and shape this energy towards the powers of saying sorry and forgiving others. Because there are people around us that are ‘ignorant’ and ‘sleeping’. They are ‘unaware’ and not present, ‘blindly’ justifying what they are doing. Even when it asks them to jump, to lie and to make an unlogical connection between two contradicting thought structures.
So again I am saying: ‘Father, forgive them, because they are not knowing what they are doing’.
For a further read, see also my post on 18 December 2018: Click here