Wisdom is practical and dares to confront those who are staying in positions of power

A good friend likes to give me advice about how I can attract more visitors towards my website. He sais that when I publish challenging quotes from well known historic or nowadays famous people it will be liked. But the main thing is: I don’t like those aphorisms. Because it is very safe and predictable.

You can hang those texts on tiles in your toilet. It can give you a smile on your face and you can nod in agreement, but it won’t change anything. The cause of this is that these words are abstract and passive – frozen in a frame – and haphazardly directed at every passer-by or bystander.

I believe that real change is coming via persons who are knowing what they are desiring and what they are doing. They think about their goals and go for it, regardless of the difficulties which they are meeting during their journey.

These people are networkers, influencers and actors. And in their interactions things are happening. Like we are also used to in our own lives: Things originate and develop just in the flow of accidents and incidents. Sometimes seemingly accidentally.

Life is creating itself via successive moments. And wisdom needs than to be present and to jump into the situation. To grasp the chance and to speak the words that are necessary to make the change longer lasting.

I believe that words of wisdom are practical. They are clear and focust. They don’t have hidden agendas. Also there are no multiple interpretations possible. Wisdom is not vague or ambiguous, it is the strength to confront those humans which are behaving from positions of power. When they are abusing their power for their own benefits and when they are crossing personal boundaries there must be someone in the room who will say: ‘No, this is not normal’. ‘Stop doing this!’

The director spoke nasty words about my colleague

I called a former colleague to ask her to give me credentials when a headhunter would phone her about my job application. I was surprised to hear that she also left the firm where I was fired months earlier. She told me that the director had spoken very nasty words about her and towards her – ‘you are crazy in your head’ and ‘your husband will leave you, because of you’ – while her chief and the second manager of the firm were also participating in the same conversation. Both men remained silent and mute, while the director was scolding her.

The only one who was championing for her was she herself. She did say: ‘I don’t accept this and I will resign’.

Her chief was surprised to hear these words and said after the meeting: ‘You should not have done that’. But only two days later he had already changed his mind, while saying: ‘Yes, this is better, because you are for me not a controllable person’.

He shifted his opinions, because this chief is not secure feeling about himself. So how could he be secure about others? How could he be trusting, while he is not even trusting his own girlfriend?

Also he don’t like to stand alone. Not at all when all the other team leaders are nodding their heads and saying ‘yes’ when the director is speaking his aphorisms. His ‘dead’ words – they don’t bless and don’t give life, even not when they are flattering – can be written down on tiles, like the grave stones at a cementary.

Dare to take the risk to be humilated, rejected and mocked

Where are the people who dare to be isolated? To be the only one who speak while the rest is staying silent? Where are the humans who dare to take the risk to be humilated, to be rejected and to be mocked? Where are the ‘brave’ persons that dare to speak to those who are thinking and believing that they are in (absolute) positions of power? Surrounded by yes-men.

For me there are no positions of power. No hierarchies, no gurus and no rulers. The only power is self-control and what we are – deep inside us – really believing about ourselves and our surrounding world.

What are our beliefs? And do we really understand that no other human can enslave us? Even when they are harming our bodies. Or when they are locking us inside small rooms? Even than our minds and spirits are free. The light of Freedom can even shine in a prison. Because this light is inside our bodies. Don’t extinguish the Light of our existence which is given to us!

I was conceived in love

I am aware that I was conceived in love. Even when I don’t have a memory about it, I am believing this. And even when other people are probably thinking and speaking badly about me.  

I am also determined to leave this temporarily life in Love !

Even when hate and insults would surround me in my ‘final’ moments, there would be the consulting and comforting presence of Love. I am absolute sure about that!

Everything will work for me and lead to the blossoming results of my life: Abundant grace, humility and vulnerability.

And a transparancy which is going deeper than flesh, blood and bones:

A daily watered – blessed – Heart and Soul.

Love you all !

Sharing And Giving Away My Darlings – Tools to Get Rid of The Possessed Ego

I loved books. I read thousands of books. As a teenager I was reading the titles of Kafka, Dostoevsky and Solzhenitsyn. The last author did ‘tell’ me about his experiences in the bitterly cold concentration camps of Stalin. The ‘Gulag Archipelago’ did impress me like the books which I read about the Holocaust (the Shoah).

Reading was for me a flight from reality, as I told in my post on 18 December 2018: Click here

Also I was reading fanatically about World War II, because my history teacher did not want to share his knowledge about what happened to the Jews. I wrote about this in my blog ‘History’ on 30 October 2018: Click here

Books were for me of such importance. Because ‘they’ were giving me insights and positive feelings. It was for me a pleasure to read hours and hours, with red cheeks, fully present in a pretty flow and concentration. 

Books felt for me in value far more precious than the members of my family. Because books were giving me a variety of feelings. And all these emotions were attaching themselves to my books.

I remember that I was saving many weeks just to buy a new title of the set of books of ‘Snuf de hond’. I even know today the price in guilders after all that years (it was yet before the introduction of the euro as currency).

I dated an American woman

My ‘addiction’ – being hungry for knowledge – to books changed when I became 30 years and older. In that time I started a relationship with an American woman via Facebook. And I flew by plane a couple of times to California to date her. We had an amazing time and we decided together that I would emigrate to the United States.

So in the preparation of my leaving of the Netherlands I did look critically at all my possessions at home. It was not possible to take all these stuff with me. And so I decided to halve my large collection of books.

And by doing that and by giving all these books away I felt that I was liberating my self. I felt relief.

No books at shelves in our living room

The second moment of giving away came after I married a Dutch lady. Because my wife don’t like it when I have my books at shelves in our living room, my books went upstairs to a cupboard at the attic.

And again I was looking thoroughly at all my books. Pondering and deciding which books I would like to keep and which I would give away.

And now – just some months ago – I tried for the third time to review my books. After lots of hesitations I decided to take my most special ones and give these to my children. So that they can read and experience the pleasure of exciting books.

Also I hope to prevent that they will only see these books when they inherit these when they are adults and when they are probably not anymore interested in books at all 🙂

Not anymore identifying these as property

I have discovered that by giving away my expensive books and by sharing these with my children that these possessions are not anymore having such an emotional impact on me. I am not anymore identifying these as ‘mine’ property. And so these objects are not anymore ’asking’ for my attention, care and love.  

So yes, I am freed of the burden of books. These are nowadays not anymore important for me. ‘They’ became finally ‘neutral’ in being 🙂

So to give away and to share have given me the possibility to get rid of my possessed ego. Because my ‘I’ is not anymore attached to these costly belongings.

I have before written about my observation that ‘objects’ and persons – like my wife – are not at all my ”property”. See also my post about ‘Marriage’ on 13 January 2019: Click here

So my advice is: Start with sharing the possessions you don’t want to give away.

Because you will experience – via that ‘way’ – that you will set free your soul.

No property can than anymore own or possess you !

Enjoying Life – Even Twitter

I could never imagine that I would become 43 years.

When I was ten years old I was visualising how it would be to be thirty years. To think further than that border was for me at that age impossible. But for sure there was one thing I knew. Finally, I would be an adult.

Shaving my face and pumping the fuel into the petrol tank of the car seemed for me the coolest activities in the world.

The Bomb would fall, we thought … 

I grew up in the dark and somber years of the eighties. The atmosphere felt pessimistic. The economy was not functioning well and the adults were afraid that one day the Bomb would fall. Happily it never did fall, but when the disaster happened with the nuclear plant in Chernobyl – 26 April 1986 – my parents were very worried.

Some days later they were so relieved that the radioactive cloud was blown away to other regions than the Netherlands.

Today I am still wondering what happened to the people who were living in the areas where the radioactive parts were raining down on their vegetables.

I also remember a poster behind the windows of one of our neighbours. On it there were the words: ‘No Russians in my back garden’.

These impressions were for me the highlights of the Cold War. Cold, because there was no real war between the West and the USSR (nowadays Russia). But still many innocent civilians and spies were killed during clandestine operations.

Fall of the Berlin Wall

And than suddenly the Berlin Wall was overthrown (9 November 1989). My parents where flabbergasted. They never expected that this would ever be possible to happen. It was mind blowing.

The concrete of the Berlin Wall was so thick and the watchtowers were full of heavy armed soldiers. Immediately shooting with machine guns when a civilian was running into the no man’s land towards the big barrier of the Wall.

That day we saw on our small television screen the celebration of the excited crowd in Berlin. Many Dutch persons decided to drive to Berlin. Just to see with own eyes what was happening. To be a part of these historic days.

And to acquire some stones of the Wall. Or to get a legendary specimen of the Trabant (the car that was produced in East Germany).

It was such a vibe of freedom and relief. And a very good start of the nineties.

There was a huge change of atmosphere.

And when I am now again seeing the pictures of that time, observing how the people looked and how they were clothed, I am realising with a shock that this happened thirty years ago. It is so far away that it seems even that it never happened.

I dived in the world of Twitter

And in the week that I celebrated my birthday – feeling thankful to be alive after all that years – I decided also to do something new. I dived in the world of Twitter.

And it surprised me. Until now I did not understand Twitter.

For years I was asking myself why people are sending such short messages of just 280 characters. My mind did not grasp it.

And my ignorance was confirmed when I was reading the news reports about the ‘mind blowing’ tweets of the Commander in Chief of the United States of America 🙂

It seemed for me that Twitter is just a medium for old, angry, white men.

But I was wrong. A whole new universe is opening for me. My possibilities to communicate are extending. I am even connecting with far more people than before via Facebook.

One thing I am not ‘seeing’ quite well. And that is why one tweet is read by some people, while another tweet – which I am not expecting to have an impact – is watched by hundreds of humans.

And thus I am so surprised that my delightful tweet about the extension of the daylight – spring is coming ! – was visited in such a short time by … 1,043 persons !

And the number is still going up 🙂

Thank you all for that … I am enjoying it !

Witchcraft: Needing Together Transparancy and Equality Everywhere

Fear. Because of fear I delayed to write about witchcraft. I felt that I was not ready to publish a post about this – for me heavy feeling – theme. So I waited, and waited, until this moment. Because now I sense the joy and space inside me to write without restraints. And yes, it works! I am writing smoothly, fast and light as a feather 🙂

Even nowadays I still remember the nightmare which I dreamt as a kid. During one night I was driving in a fast riding shopping cart. And I kept looking behind, because I was chased by an ugly, mean, old witch who was standing like a maniac in a shopping cart. Chasing and racing after me.

Everything I tried, but it was futile. I went slower and slower and she was coming closer and closer. I felt so scared, also because this was happening in the dark parking garage close to my home. There stood in narrow corridors the deserted, silver metal shopping carts.

The residents – living behind anonymous fronts of mail boxes and buzzers – seemed too lazy to bring these carts back to the nearby located supermarket. Or they felt too indifferent about the value and price of the shopping carts.

But happily, I escaped! In my dream I remembered suddenly something that had worked also in other dreams. I realised that I could fly! So I flared with all my might my arms, and yes, my feet left just on time the ground. And while I was soaring higher and higher, the grasping hands of the witch became smaller and smaller.

Some years later I felt impressed when I read a book about a pupil of a miller who learned how to use black magic. But these lessons came for the boy with a heavy burden. He discovered that he was trapped in the mill, that an unknown terror was going on and that the only spectators were a group of dark crows which were keeping an eye on him.

Extreme themes

When I arrived in my twenties I started to get interested in ‘extreme’ themes like christian healings at psychic (paranormal) fairs, deliverance prayers, exorcism and ‘spiritual warfare’. These topics were not mentioned or preached in my home church, so I went to conferences of charismatic christians to be educated. Also I did read the books of some former witches, who were ‘converted’ to christianity.

Feeling unbeatable

I felt in that time so secure about what I was believing. And I justified what I was doing. And when I was feeling fear I tried to remind myself about what I had learned. I felt unbeatable.

Once there was a church service where the pastor was asking us to step on the devil and to trample him under our feet. The whole congregation stamped with the feet at the wooden floor, cheering, laughing and yelling. The noise was deafening.

After this ‘ritual’ we felt secured and confirmed in our beliefs. Did we not be the ones who were succesfully surviving in a world full of ‘evil influences’? And did we not be the ones who were already safe in our ‘lifeboats’?

Our ‘life insurance’ was that we were already at the ‘right road’ to our eternal destination.

And together with my friend Walter – he is the one who later committed suicide, see my post of 30 December: Click here – I climbed mount Olympus. Because we believed that we would bridle Zeus. And by doing so we would release the oppressed spirits of the people of Greece.

We were ignorant about that we were ‘manipulating’ our fantasies and our desires to be wild adventures, daring heroes and brave warriors 🙂 We did not understand that we were trying to prove ourselves that we were real men!

Obscuring hidden fears

Nowadays – looking back at my time as a christian – I realise that my certainity and tough proclamations were obscuring my hidden fears. I was not acknowledging that I was willingly blinding myself, not wanting to accept the reality that I am also a part of a fearful and insecure feeling humanity.

Today I feel liberated that I don’t anymore believe in a hell, satan or demons. To be free of that superstition has made my life less complicated.

But my lucidity has grown that we as humans can transform – in a moment – into angry and frustrated ‘demons’.

Or call us than ‘trolls’. Acting mad, nasty and dangerous. We have unfortunately the possibility to turn our lives into a hell.   

Trolling (Urban Dictionairy)

Trolling – (verb), as it relates to internet, is the deliberate act, (by a Troll – noun or adjective), of making random unsolicited and/or controversial comments on various internet forums with the intent to provoke an emotional knee jerk reaction from unsuspecting readers to engage in a fight or argument 
Trolling on-line forums as described above is actually analogous to the fishing technique of “trolling”, where colorful baits and lures are pulled behind a slow moving boat, often with multiple fishing lines, covering a large bodies of water, such as a large lake or the ocean. The trolling lures attract unsuspecting fish, intriguing them with the way they move through the water, thus enticing these foolish fish to “take the bait”. Not unlike unsuspecting internet victims, once hooked, the fish are reeled in for the catch before they realize they have been duped by the Troll/Fisherman (Click here for the page at the website of the Urban Dictionairy or click on the underlined words)

So what is witchcraft?

I believe that witchcraft are the combined efforts of the will of one person or a group to bent another(s) will towards the benefits and goals of one ego or a group Ego.

This bending – performed through rituals of incantations, malignant expressed imagery or the spreading of defamating lies – means the willfully violation of the freedom of another person, thus far that he or she is feeling oppressed, depressed or even suicidal. The other human seems to loose the possibility to feel free or to think coherently. The result of this is a constant cloud of confusion, despair and stress which is captivating (the brain of) one person or more persons and which is corroding the connection with joy, love, strength and courage.

So witchcraft includes all forms of manipulation – also the ‘innocent’ appearing advertisements which try to influence our sympathy towards random products – intimidation, blaming, shaming, accusing, cursing of others and the isolation of them. It is working via distorted imaginations which are damaging the perception of how people are seeing and experiencing others, themselves – also via gossip and controversial rumours – and ‘reality’.

It can produce weakness, illness or the killing of humans.

Conspiracy theories

Witchcraft includes the sacrificing of humans which happened during pagan rituals like for instance those attributed to the Flayed Lord in Mexico.

To read more about these rituals, see the website of CNN or Click here 

But it consists also out of the cruel incidents which humans are experiencing when they are blamed for acts which are not related to them. Their personal identity – including information about their place of living or their relatives – is attached to disgusting accidents via a hoax.

To read more about the brutal consequences of conspiracy theories which multiply very fast via social media and create innocent victims: Click here

Something alike has happened during centuries towards lonely living (old) women or widows. It concerns the unwarranted accusations or expressed fears of mostly (mighty) men towards women who were different from the other villagers. Only in the Netherlands there were during the Middle Ages many women falsely accused of witchcraft and after fake trials they were burned at stakes or drowned in canals. The same happened regrettable in other European countries.

Also nowadays the same old lies (of ‘us’ versus ‘those witches’) are still alive. These rumours are spreading for instance in villages in Africa or in South East Asia.

Like this news report about India is telling us at the website of CNN. To read more: Click here

Obscure rituals

All these experiences have specific ingredients in common. Like obscure rituals that are limited to specific people (who are not thinking in terms of the unity of humans, but who are using divisions between humans) and whose conscience is closed and hardened during (occult) crimes committed to vulnerable individuals. The results of these behaviours are fearful secrets which are silencing people and making them suspicious and fearful.

The insiders are bound together via required secrecy and via the fear that they will be punished severely when they ‘betray’ the horrors which happened within the group or community.

Also the outsiders are intimidated via fear (for instance via violent acts and death threats).  

Haunted house

When I look at witchcraft I see that it is a haunted house built with the cards of fear. One of these is the fear of death. This worn card is used when others are cursed and threatened to be killed.

This fear seems to be strong, but it is fading away like fog when it is confronted with the unity of humans who are loving each other, despite everything and (en-) during all circumstances.

Because Love – even when it is not felt – is the real thing which is (eternal) present within us. Love is protecting us. We are Love and we are surrounded by a loving Universe. It is thanks to Love that we find the courage and determination to keep our place in Life and to be joyful about it.  

Aggressively attacking

I was her – by Court appointed – financial administrator. Taking care of her money and debts. And she called me by phone.

Again she was distrusting and disrespectful. Aggressively attacking me, doubting my motives and trying to blame me for the shortage of ‘her’ money.

I did not like the way how she treated me, but deep inside I felt somewhere some love for her. So I did my best to stay friendly and to be respectful towards her. When she again asked me for extra money, I confronted her with the actual amount of money at her bank account. And I kept asking her why she was so desperate to get more money.

Suddenly she ‘broke’. I heard the softening happening inside her. Even her voice became less aggressive, more vulnerable and more calm. She told me that she needed the money to pay her family in Suriname for their ‘services’ towards her three years old daughter, who had travelled alone – by plane – to her family.

In tears – crying – she explained that her daughter was very ill. She told me about the constant shaking of the body of her child and that her family had told her that it was caused by the curses which they had spoken against the life of her daughter.

The only way to cure her child from these curses was to sent her to her family. Because there needed be done a ritual of ‘washing’ in the dark woods of Suriname. After that her child would be finally free and healthy again.

The mother was sobbing when she said that she had no choice than to sent her very young child away – alone – to her family. For two weeks she would be separated from her kid.

I felt the horror of this situation and I kept thinking after she had finished her phone call: ‘Why did you sent your beautiful girl to these people who cursed her and who will probably abuse her somewhere in the jungle?’

I saw before me how this little girl would be hurted, branded and severely broken in her well-being, her personal identity and the safeguarding of her sexuality. And I felt very sorry for her that no one was protecting her against these atrocities of her distant living family members.

And I realised again how important it is to be together with others and to stay connected with trustworthy, loving people who take care and who nurture a culture of thankfully blessing and forgiving each other. Knowing how to dismantle lies and curses.

No rulers and no gurus anymore

So, what is needed with regard to witchcraft? I think two things:

  1. A (public) transparancy of everyone that will end all obscurity and secrecy;
  2. An equality that will give every human (in every group or family) the impression that he or she is accepted, welcome, seen and heard. Regardless the differences between us humans!

So I like to shout now: ‘No rulers, no gurus, no secrets, no lies, no spells, no curses, no abuse of power anymore and elsewhere’.

Because I like to dream how this lovely earth will become more and more a pleasant place to be for everyone of us.

So, no Armaggedon or Doomsday, but an expanding Love which is irresistible carving and cutting its way through the Universe.

And through the dark woods of Suriname …

Marriage: Behind The Fairy Tale Hides the Fire that Burns The Frenzy of The Ego

No one told me that my marriage would be at moments a hell. Not even my parents who are for years ‘happy’ married. No one prepared me for the feelings of sorrow, anger, frustrations and hate. But I could have known that I did someway warn myself: At the invitation card for our wedding we put the picture of a beautiful, lovely and quiet garden. But to enter that place of intimacy you had to go through flames … The gate was a consuming fire …

After seven years of struggling I have finally learned some lessons. And, happily, I am changing! I am really changing! I am a changing man. It is possible!

Today I am far more aware that my mind is filled with fairy tales and social narratives about how I have to behave (as a married man). And I am not the only one who is feeling miserable about these misleading stories.

Behavioural scientist Paul Dolan shows how this hidden thoughts are dictating our lives. Newspaper The Guardian summarizes his thoughts via the headline ‘The money, job, marriage myth: are you happy yet?’. Here you can find it: Click here

We are scripted how we have to behave

I sympathise with Paul Dolan. It is indeed all mental imagination about how we see ‘categories’ like man, woman, child, tree, animal and for instance a snow flock. These are conditioning containers loaded with associations and prescriptions. And from an early age we are scripted how we have to behave. And mostly we are unaware how these detailed thoughts form together a closely knitted spiderweb. A protocol which is binding us and limiting us in our freedom to reach our true potential and power. It tries to regulate our lives with regard to how we have to eat, sleep, work and recreate. Including how we are expected to have intercourse and with whom.

Of course it prevents us from unhealthy risks or dangerous actions, but it makes our lives also boring and unchallenging. And in essence it’s all dictated by our Ego. Because ‘we’ desire to live secure and comfortable. In a fairy tale with a ‘happy end’ and with clear roles for each one of us.  

To reach clarity we judge permanently whether we are accepting or rejecting what we are watching. And via unspoken and obscure words we paint the feelings which our minds are willingly producing for us, just in a blink of our eyes.

We are not taking notice about how our ‘automatic pilot’ is functioning inside. And minutes later we are wondering why we are feeling like we are feeling.

We simply are most of the time not really ‘present’ in the situation. Or just forgetting how we were misleaded in our perceptions of reality. And we tumble again in the dark abyss of our intense and ‘primitive’ emotions.

Producing pleasant interpretations

So many times our minds try to simplificate reality by presenting us simple ”choices” which we can answer with a clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Even our sympathy or antipathy is mostly black or white. It is not based at a thoroughly evaluation of the situation or the person who we are meeting. We just assume and we perceive afterwards – when we are not clinging to our decided positions – that our judgements were not at all correct. Because we were not seeing all aspects of the other and not knowing the total of events which he or she went through.

But even when we are aware there lingers still the fairy tale about the moment when we meet the one and only person who is designed for our needs. We believe that there is love at first sight, that our partners should always satisfy us and that – by the way – there should be great, seducing sex. Also we assume that we will stay together for the rest of our lives, while we don’t have the possibility to know what future will brings us. Because we are still expecting that we will live ‘long and happy afterwards’.

Did I ever hear before my marriage about the struggles and storms which I would meet? No one told me. No one warned me when I was walking the road towards my wedding day. Also no one did give me the promise that this would be possible the path whereby I would understand myself far better than anytime before. Also that it would create the perspective and chance to get rid of my dominant Ego.

Love flourish at a soil of impossibilities and imperfections

So I observed through trials that love flourish at a soil of impossibilities and imperfections.

When my wife entered my life like a whirlwind she swept away the chess pieces which I had carefully placed at the board of my mind. It were the pieces of an exaggerated positive self image which was not knowing its limitations. And yes, I was purposely blind for the flaws of myself.

After our dating period I experienced feelings and thoughts which I never had before. And later on I tried to ease my discomfort about our repeated quarrelings by blaming my wife for our arguments and by trying to call her to account. I really believed that she was always the first who started our battles and that I was just reacting and trying to limit her intense verbal expressions. I tried with all my might to convince her about her wrongdoings.

I walked with open eyes in self-justifications and I could not believe that I was the one who was causing problems.

Ouch, my Ego is such a stubborn and stupid ‘donkey’. Not listening and unmighty to act wise at all. For many times I stubbed my foot against the same stone. Not knowing how to prevent it. And not realising that I could jump towards another direction.  

Days to recover from angry disputes

How I could dig my heels in my feelings of anger. I needed days to recover from the bitter disputes. Because I was attaching to my sour memories about what had happened. In my mind I saved a vivid collection of very visual views of what my wife had done.

And I was not interested in my own destructive behaviour patterns, because I tried at all costs to protect and preserve myself.

But finally – after countless moments of hell – I was learning that it is possible to make other choices. Even in the hottest argument there is a possibility to change the course of the fight.

I detected that I can make another evaluation of the situation, even when my mind is creating angry thoughts and trying to convince me to throw these as hurting hurricanes towards my wife.  

When my Ego is feeling insecure or wounded

I laid bare that my mind is not anymore an useful tool when my Ego is feeling insecure or wounded. And when I am confused or overloaded with intense feelings and thoughts. My Ego is than very egoistic 🙂

Not  helping me to de-escalate or to calm down. Instead it is stoking the fire and freezing me in an immobile position by sending me judging thoughts and ice cold condemnations.

My Ego is not shaped to behave well when it is confronted with a confusing complexity or with the will of another human. It is than becoming as heavy as a statue of stone. A pressing and blocking obstacle. Not relativizing any detail or choosing to change one’s tune. Instead it is exaggerating and overstating. Blowing small things out of proportion. Creating big drama. And isolating me by showing me an absurd picture of the situation which is totally out of context and out of my control.  

So what have I learned?

That I have to accept that the situation is developing otherwise than I am liking. And that the only one who I can try to calm down is myself. And even that is sometimes very difficult.

In those crises I need the awareness that I have to reset my mind. Because it is dysfunctioning. Even when I am pretending that I am the one who is keeping his head cool and even when I am fleeing like a refugee to my rationality. But also my logic is than failing like a fake friend.  

I am not my Mind

The changing moment was that a divorce seemed inevitable. I felt so much sorrow and distress about the nearer coming definite separation of my wife. And I realised deep inside that I don’t desire to miss her. Because I love her like a fire which is so intense that it is also burning my Ego to ashes. I really want to lay my life down for my wife and my kids.

Also I uncovered the reality that I am not my mind. Somewhere there is an awareness inside me which is coming from a deeper place. This place is not connected with my Ego. And no one can claim it for his own benefits. This spot of rest and peace is always just a breath away from myself. It is cherishing and pampering my bones and blood. It is such a strong loving force that I can feel it wrapping itself around my existence, my body and around all the creatures of this world. It is inside and outside me. It is everywhere.

That place of Love is the airless eye within a storm. The ultime solid ground under my feet. It is the foundation of my spirit. It can’t be prisoned. It is Freedom itself. It is the Wind which is blowing through all times, places and positions of people.

Aha, my mind is making problems again

When I am in pain or when I am (dis)stressed, it is very difficult to reach that place. But it is helping me that I have created in the meantime a distance between my mind and ‘me’ (which is also a collection of the mental images created by my mind).

It is helping, because I can now think when my Ego is perceiving a ‘crisis’: ‘Aha, my mind is making problems again’ (liking to create drama!).

And to be in the place of Love is also the timeless place where there is an abundance of forgiveness ever for everyone. For myself, my wife and every other one living at this planet. It is the place where no records are hold about the wrongdoings of whoever. It is a place of acceptance. I am there invited to forget the ‘shocking’ things which my mind was stirring up or which were troubling my Ego.

And thanks to the Love deep wired inside my being I can resettle my mind within moments. Where I first needed some days to refind rest and peace I can now accept the feelings of anger. Observe them, let them be and let them go.

My wife is not my property

I guess that what changed me also is the wisdom that I am only ‘responsible’ for my own behaviour and not for that of others. I am not the pedant or schoolmaster who is correcting or teaching another. And happily I say nowadays far more easy sorry than before 🙂

Also there is the deeper and helping knowledge that my wife is not my property. She is an autonomous creature, a grown up like me. She is not a child. I don’t owe anyone. I even don’t owe my body. These are entrusted to me to take care and to nourish. So that they will become mature. That they will blossom and bear many fruits.

And I assess also today that the centuries-old (christian?) thought that the man is ‘the head’ (supervisor) of his wife is a big, enchanting lie. Because it is devaluating every woman and it is subjecting (the mind of) a woman like an object to the will of a mistakes making man.

Love needs distance

Finally, I have experienced that friendship and love need distance. It is good to be separated from each other for a while. To have a pause. Distance makes it possible to enjoy a closer approach and again the befriending of each other. Like it was just the first moment. Or a new possibility to start again. To look with other eyes. To become aware of unseen realities. Even when the other is looking so familiar.

It is psychotherapist Esther Perel who writes in her book ‘Mating in Captivity, unlocking erotic intelligence’ about the importance of distance between sex partners. She is also discussing these topics via the TED talks. To hear more about these themes: Click here

A level which I can’t oversee

Deeper than deep there is the connection between myself and my spouse at a level that I can’t oversee or gauge.

My wife – who did not anymore dare to expect that I would change – said something that made me very happy. She spoke some days ago in my ears the for me immortal sounding words:

‘Finally, you climbed down your throne !’

Pain – At the Threshold of A New Beginning

Again I felt the ‘heaviness’ of the last days of the year. Of course it is my mental imagination and illusion. It is the same like the imaginary transition from one year to another.

But I was confronted with feelings of depression and sorrow. Instead of glow I experienced gloom. And ‘knock, knock’, there were the ‘old’ pains of my youth. Standing at the door of my consciousness. And I felt again a shortage of heard compliments. And under that I sensed the deep longing of ‘the child’ inside me. To be welcomed in this world to be just myself. And to be seen with unjudging eyes!

Pain! I had just one day filled with the pains of my soul!

Happily, I told my wife about it. I was open and transparant about what I was feeling. It helped to protect my wife so that she did not feel too burdened by the negative atmosphere around me. And it did give me relief and the possibility to accept myself. Without judging my feelings and thoughts. Just to let me be … myself?

The dogs of doom

Probably it is also because I am taking the stock of what 2018 has brought me. To check where I am standing and what I would like to reach in 2019. And again I am aware that my mind is playing a game of granting meaningfulness.

And suddenly I remember the words which I read already years ago:

‘The dogs of doom stand at the doors of your destiny’. (© Kris Vallotton)

Yes, it is true. My feelings of pain are barking loud. Very loud!

Happily, I can sleep through my heavy feelings. After one good night I can feel reborn and I am again rejoicing my life. But I know there are far more people who are feeling depressed day after day.

Like my good friend Walter. He was diagnosed with manic depression.

He had periods when he was feeling ‘high’ and insurmountable. He was than the ‘star’ in his own story. But inevitable there was always a backfall from grace. In those periods he was feeling ‘weak’ and doing ‘stupid’ things. Like wasting his money. Just by giving it to vague acquaintances with enchanting stories.

Jumping before a train

Four years ago Walter jumped before a high speed train and died. His body parts were found all over the rails to Rotterdam. He left behind a wife and two young kids.

For the driver of the train it was the eleventh moment in his life that this horror happened. Before his eyes.

Again he saw a human jumping from the edge of the platform. And watched helplessly, while he could do nothing to prevent it from happening.

Just this week I heard that a man in his fifties – who is troubled for years by depressions – has tried to commit suicide.

I met him some years ago via a mutual friend. He was found – just in time – in his home by his beautiful and musical talented wife.

But I am asking myself: ‘When will he try again?’ And will his next attempt be ‘successful’? And is it really possible to help yourself or another when ‘we’ are feeling trapped deep downstairs somewhere in the ‘darkness’?

Can there be than a light in our darkest hour? And can its glimpses reach us? Even when it is desperately flickering? Or when it seems to be extinguishing. Just before our eyes?

Ner tamid!

I felt so impressed when I was seeing for the first time in my life how this little lamp was surviving in the darkness.

It seemed like a little scintillating spark of a star which was fixed with a pendant to the high and unattainable dark ceiling. Shining its very little light of purity in a big empty space of obscurity.  

Rest me for this moment to wish you a ‘bright’ New Year with more than 365 little lights which will guide you at your next steps in the unknown territory of 2019. Love you all!

See you soon after the dawning border of the last Evening of this Year!

And thank you all for reading my posts!

The Tragedy of Us Humans: We Are Tempted to Take It Personally And We Keep Searching For Truth and Meaning

One thing has not changed for me during more than thirty years. I still experience the Sundays as ‘boring’. When I was a child I was obliged to go to church. I felt relieved when we again entered our home after the hours of sitting, singing and listening. And while my parents were drinking coffee I ‘dived’ and ‘hided’ in a book. It was the only place – besides the toilet and my bed – where I encountered my own private space.  

How I loved it. Just ‘me’ who ‘owned’ for myself alone that specific place in space and time. I felt at rest and I enjoyed that I was the only one knowing this secret place. For hours I was exploring the universe of my imagination.  

An empty feeling day

Nowadays I don’t go anymore to church at Sunday. And that creates a ‘problem’. I am confronted with an empty feeling day. What can I do? The structure of the week is fading away. I don’t have to bring my kid to school, I don’t have to  search for a paid job and I don’t have to do the household or to go to sports.  

My mind is going in alarm mode

And because there is not much to do, I feel bored. And at that moment I am confronted with my mind which is going in an alarm mode. It is sending me heavy feeling words about the meaning of my life. It is offering me conclusions which I don’t want to embrace. It is asking me why I don’t seem to be happy, while my basic needs are already fullfilled.  

And in those moments of ‘boredom’ my imagination starts also to work. I see myself saving other fellow humans. And I am wondering how I can escape the shooting of gunmen when they are coming from various directions in a very small street.  

And than I feel again the deep longing to attribute my piece to the history and progress of us humans. And I sense that I am after all that years still searching for my ‘position’ in this world. What can I do? Why am I here at earth?

Is there anything left that I can fullfil in this small amount of lifetime after the billions of unknown humans who have already done their ‘task’ in so many centuries and have passed away. God knows where they are and whether they are still somewhere …

The beauty and intelligence of animals

Somehow my mind don’t want to accept that we are just like the animals. And why is my mindset protesting against that? There should be no reason for that. Because look to the animals. How beautiful they are! How intelligent! They are really smart! The only ‘problem’ is that we are not knowing them, not understanding their ‘voices’. That’s why we are indifferent about their fate and that’s why we are mistreating them.  Even that don’t change that they are very ‘unique’ in their sort and varity. They even have feelings, a memory and an awareness of themselves! Wow! 

We as humans are also replaceable

So why should we as humans be separated from the animals? Why should we even imagine that we are ‘more’ than them? That we are even the top of everything that is alive? Is that not just an arrogant expression of our ego? Or don’t we want to accept that we as humans are also replaceable like the ants which I was dashing under my feet when I was a kid? It was a ‘massacre’ … Our garden showed at grassroots level a ‘killing field’. 

I have never seen a human who was mourning about the death of an ant. Also I have never heard about someone who was paying tributes after a fly was smashed with a swatter.

So the strange thing is that we are not searching for meaning when an animal is killed, but when a related human is dying it seems that our brains are yelling and commanding us to find the meaning of it.

Receiving the things which belong to us

I have also discovered that my mind is searching for reason when I am receiving thoughts like ‘Why is this happening to me?’ or ‘Why did I experience that?’ Somewhere in my subconsciousness there is a belief that I am receiving the ‘things’ which are ‘belonging’ to me. Whether it are ‘blessings’ or …  

But the question is why should there be a meaning? Why should there be a belonging or why should I be the ‘possessor’ of other beings or things? And why should I take the events in my life personally?

For instance when something is going otherwise than I expected there can be suddenly the thought: ‘Oh, no, what will befall me more today?’

That while it was only one incident and while it is nothing predicting about how ‘good’ or ‘bad’ my whole day will be. It is the same like how rain showers can lead to the statement that the weather is ‘bad’. The abundance of water can even cause a feeling of depression.

So the temptation is to generalize and to create big (meaningful?) conclusions which are based on little and small accidents. And the ‘stupid’ thing is that there is no correlation at all between the incident and myself or between me and ‘my’ day.

Again I am tricked by my mind which is deliberately searching for answers, for meaning and for ‘truth’.

Torturing questions

The same thing seems to happen with regard to the ‘great’ dramas that take place during our lifetimes. For instance when humans are daily raped and killed. Or when there is again somebody somewhere sexual abused. And many times the victims are tortured by questions like: ‘Why me?’ Or ‘how could I have prevented it from happening to me?’

Or when they are blaming themselves for how the shocking events occured, without them having the possibility to stop these. Or when there are the feelings of guilt, shame, anger and despair.  

But even than there is no correlation between the ‘victim’ and the horror which happened. Because when the perpetrator was really ‘knowing’ – his own, your and mine worthfullness and dignity – he would never have done it.  

So  every act – whatever it is – is showing something in the outside world about the inner thoughts and feelings of the person which was doing it. There is no reason or meaning why someone was receiving the anger, the aggression or the violence from another person.  

Even when I was going to church I did not truly believe in ‘punishment’. I could never believe that God was killing his own ‘son’ as a punishment for our ‘sins’ (transgressions).  But nowadays, writing this blog, I am far more understanding why Jesus was shouting: ‘Father, forgive them! They are not knowing what they are doing’.

Six millions murdered Jews and others

Many times there seems to be no reason at all.

Why were six millions of Jews murdered in the concentration camps? And all the other persons at the other places in that times?

And why got some humans after the war the label ‘hero’ and others that of the ‘traitor’? Can you see how our minds are making differences by creating opposites? Can you catch the (insecure and unstable) ego when it is creating labels like ‘winners’ / ‘losers’, ‘handsome’ / ‘ugly’, just to feel (yourself?) elevated above the rest?

Or when it is providing strong opinions – trying to secure our confidence and comfort – about how a man or a woman should behave (the issue of gender). Or how a boy should be clothed and why he should not play with the dolls of a girl? Or when we are feeling pain about how our relatives are dealing with us and we suddenly remember all that other awkward situations. Are you than aware that our minds immediately start to create the arrows which we can shoot at those who ‘offend’ us? Like the insults, the curses, the blames and the lamentations. Suddenly we seem to play hide and seek in an armory full of offensive ‘labels’ instead of a green meadow full of flowers and zooming bees.

That devil of an ego!

So we are not only separating the humans from the animals, but also the humans from the humans. Even it seems that much of the previous mentioned ‘horror’ was forthcoming out of the thoughts of dehumanizing others and blaming them for all the miserable feelings, frustrations and the worse daily living conditions. Like poverty, addictions and domestic violence. 

Of course we can tell afterwards about the hate, the shortage of self-esteem and dignity that did lead during the war to such a collective collaboration and outburst of bloodshed and killings. We can try to explain it by focussing at the ideology or the training which was given to the killers. But still there is no real meaning why gifted and intelligent humans were killing other lovely and sweet humans.

Beaches of Normandy

Also there seems to be no reason why so many young men were dying at the beaches of Normandy. We can create a story about the ‘heroic’ fight between ‘good’ and ‘evil’, but in reality there was no other choice than to leave the boats and to swim and run to the beaches. They were fearfully seeing that the sand and the sea were already red coloured from the blood of their predecessors. And while fresh bullets were flying around their ears, the heads and bodies of their ‘comrades’ were already piling up before them in the on and off going golfs of the turbulent sea. 

Why are we awakening every day?

So is there a deeper meaning why we are awakening every day? Why we are eating our food, drinking our drank and greeting each other? Is it just because we have no choice? Is it because we desperately want to survive? Is it because we know that it is more ‘wise’ to be friendly towards each other? That it is giving us ‘better’ feelings and rewards than when we are humiliating our ‘neighbours’ or living towards a new raging and devouring war?

Is it because we are loving our children and that we want to attribute to their wellbeing? And that we also desire to reach the age where we will see that they are becoming fathers and mothers themselves?

Rescued from our minds and imaginations

Maybe we are still not knowing it. Maybe there is no meaning at all. And maybe we will only in death be rescued from our minds, imaginations and the continually created interpretations, explanations and justifications. And from the idols, God(s), monsters, gnomes, giants and whatever statues of fantasy. Maybe we will find in death the rest and comfort we were chasing during our lives?

Maybe in that ‘final’ (?) day we will also be rescued from our personhoods. And from our names, stripes and mental medals. Again an illusion of our mind will than come to a peaceful end.

Probably it is the core of us that we are in essence no persons at all!

Simularities between us and millions of ants

So even while we are looking differently than other humans – do we as individuals be really that unique as we are presuming? – there could be more similarities between us and the millions of ants that are living under our paving stones.

Probably we are in essence far more equal to the ants than what our egoistic, dualistic and to differences attracted minds are liking us to believe … 

Could it be that our minds are betraying us daily by distracting us with ‘loud sounding’ thoughts and feelings? So that we stay tuned to the perspective to watch only in opposites? Like the flashes and rumours of an old black and white television?

Just to prevent us to finally apprehend it and to see with unblinded eyes … Sameness !

How I Escaped The Dictate Of Time

In the ‘old days’ I tricked myself by turning the hands of the clock ten minutes ahead. It meant that when I was in a hurry I would have ten minutes left to catch my bus or to be present at my next appointment. That relaxing realisation repressed my stress and anxiety.

Nowadays – while I have my new phone – I have stopped this practice. I guess because I love the pretense of the new technology that it is accurate. And for sure there is one thing I am loving very much. And that is to be accurate 🙂

Feeling the dictate of time

So now when I am feeling the dictate of time it is giving me feelings of stress. I get agitated and irritated. In those perilous moments I try to reassure my mind that all is still okay. I start wishful and wilful thinking like: ‘Everything is happening at the right time’ or ‘I am just at time’. But alas, my body is not always following these considerations.

Even when I am knowing that my mind is overloaded with stimuli – for instance through sudden loud noises or the accumulated questions of my relatives – and even when I am aware that time is just a mental concept (an illusion) the stress won’t listen to the demand to leave.

The surface of my lucidity

Happily I discovered that my blog about stress – I wrote it at 9 November, you can find it here: Click here – has given me in the follow-up some fresh insights. These came just to the surface of my lucidity weeks later 🙂 
I now realize that my writing of the text about stress helped me to change some of my (mental) behaviours. I detected for myself some inner grow. And I received three lessons.

Three lessons:

        • I made the decision to awake ten minutes earlier than I was used to. It means that it gives me the possibility to awake fully. Specially when I have slept very deep and when I am awaking dizzy. Also it creates the opportunity to do my activities in a slower pace and rhythm. That is helpful for me when I am feeling tired or when my mind is in a repeative control stance urging me to double check whether I have really done what I was doing. Thoughts like: ‘Did I really lock the door or did I really put off the fire of the kitchen stove?’ But sometimes I just like to do everything very slow. To train my mind to be really present in the moment. To become attentive and aware about what my hands are doing;
        • Secondly, I observed that when I am in a mental state of being thankful – thanking for having slept well in a warm house, thanking to be alive and in a good health and thanking to have food and drinks etc. – that I am less sensitive to stress. And I have experienced that when I am in such a flow it seems that time is even going slower for  my benefit;
            • Thirdly, I uncovered that it is really helping me to say aloud that I am the boss of time. It means for me to realize that time is not dictating me. It is relativizing the daily scrutiny of time. Because it is me who decides what to do at which moment. And by being aware of that I feel that I am far more free of stress and worry.

          And I believe again the long time ago obtained idea that I am arriving at the right moment at my location. And that I am meeting the right persons at the right moments.

        And even it seems to be happening that everything and everyone is helping me. And all seems to work for the good of me.

      • So sooner or later I am enjoying my relaxt and easy time travelling 🙂

 

Visiting The House And Furniture Of Anne Frank – While Her Living Look Alikes Are Still Standing Like Furniture Between The Red Curtains Some Streets Further Away

After my appointment in Amsterdam I walked through the Red Light District towards Central Station. I saw ladies from Bulgaria, Romania and Latin America. Standing behind the windows. Clothed only in their underwear. Winking and beckoning me to come and to enter their small rooms behind the red curtains. I smiled friendly and walked further.

A pale face and black hair

Suddenly I saw her while I looked over my left shoulder. There she was. A very young girl. Having a pale face and black hair. She was the opposite of the other, older ladies who were standing with brown powdered skins behind the glass. I felt shocked, because she looked like Anne Frank.

She was standing in a corner of the house. Just some streets away from the Anne Frank Museum, which is every year visited by more than one million humans from all over the world.

She was very young. Radiating fragility.

A harlot in Holland

I wondered how she came to the Netherlands. I asked myself where her family is? Who her father is? And is he knowing that his daughter is living as a harlot in Holland?

One million persons are walking every year through the neighbourhood to the Museum of Anne Frank. Probably they will visit the same day the so called ‘famous’ Red Light District.
And while they are one moment solemnly climbing the staircase to the attic where Anne Frank was hiding, next moments they are probably laughing, pointing and making pictures of the striking ladies behind the windows.
Anne Frank had some privacy, her equals are standing at high heels in the spotlights. Nearly naked. Without dignity.

What will happen when their (unwritten) diaries are found? Will there be a publisher who is interested in the stories of these girls from abroad? To read about the betrayals, the lost trust and honour, the abuses, the abductions, the violences and the rapes?

Who are the men who are paying prostitutes?

Every time when a man goes in and pays the money there is again a woman to be raped. And after this she is again raped. And again. Many times a day.
And I am asking myself: ‘Who are the men who dare to go in? Are their wifes knowing? Are their daughters aware that their fathers are having sex with some peers from Eastern Europe?’

Are that the men who are lying about the money they paid? Are they saying that they bought some petrol for their cars? And that they paid cash? And are their friends and relatives believing them?

Are they having double standards or double lives?

Or are that the men who don’t have a relation and who are ‘starving’, due to  their longing for sex, attention and maybe a hug or a touch? Or are it the men whose relations / marriages are bleeding to death, because of a shortage of intercourse? Are they having ‘blue balls’? Watching pornography? Masturbating? And …

Sexless relations and marriages?

One man told me that he was – during more than thirty years of marriage – just for five moments intimate with his wife. Just five times. That means only one moment in six years. Crazy! Shocking to hear.  And I thought that I had endured ‘drought’ – sexless periods – in my marriage!

In my ‘old’ neighbourhood lives a gigolo. He was a house painter, but left his job to earn more money by having sex with (lonely) wealthy (business-) women. My neighbour is going frequently to the gym to maintain his strong muscular body, while his girlfriend is knowing how he earns his ‘new’ money. Their little boy is still unaware.

The fate of many girls and women is not known

Every year more than 1300 vulnerable, under aged, Dutch girls are blackmailed via shared photos of their nudity. After that they are transported – again it looks like Anne Frank – to places abroad. For instance in Belgium where they have to ‘serve’ as prostitutes. The fate of many others is not known by the (watchful) authorities or the (successful) organisations which are trying to help these girls and women to escape the brothels and whorehouses.

And while these teenagers are ‘working’ long houres a day their earnings are seized away by pimps. Weekly they are robbed of thousands of euros. And their pimps walk with many banknotes in their pockets and are driving around in expensive and fast cars.

How to reduce the number of girls and women which are raped daily?

So how can we reduce the number of girls and women which are raped daily in our country? Not to speak about the other countries world wide.

Is it by focussing on the prostitutes? By trying to motivate them to leave their legalised ‘jobs’? To give them training for other work possibilities? To liberate them from the pimps? Sure!

To help them get rid of their debts? Yes, of course!

But the problem is that we are than focussing on the supply, while there is still a big demand!

Criminal networks will whatever produce or deliver as long as there is a demand. And for so long the revenues are kept high.

So to rescue some ‘drops’ is great, but new drops are already coming, while the river steadily is continuing its flow towards the sea and the expansive oceans.

The solution will be to reduce the demand. Have we ever fully investigated what the reasons are why richer men and women are raping their poorer fellows after paying money?

Of course we can focus on the criminals and we can revulse and protest against their cruel behaviours and the bloodshed of humans. Like what is happening at a daily base during many drugs wars in Latin America.

But let me be clear: All those users of drugs and paid sex are equal responsible for the horror from pimps and criminals. It is too easy to disconnect them from the ‘supply’.

Doing something about the demand for paid sex

To pay for drugs or to pay for sex means to pay for the total ‘production chain’ of bloodshed, rape and all the other hideous ‘’human’’ acts.

So the solution means that we have to do something about the demand for paid sex. Fines and sentences of courts can be tools – and these are effective – but behaviours won’t be changed out of fear (there is than no free choice or real will). Nor will these be changed when sex offenders are sent in groups to the prisons.

I believe that a multidimensional approach will be fruitful.

It will be found by monitoring the home situations of the offenders, by building caring and preventing networks around them and to give them the obligation to listen to the stories of ex prostitutes. To hear them tell about the daily rapes, the humilations and the physical and mental tortures.
And it will be found when all these persons are asked why they went to harlots. And why they did pay to have sex. And why they were seeming indifferent about the feelings of the girls and women they were abusing.

Finally, I guess that well functioning and well tuned (virtual) sex robots can be probably also a part of the various approach.

And let there than be a price tag for this technology of toys.

Because all these previous mentioned men and women showed us that they were willing to pay …

Would you like to share your impressions about this topic with me? Please Click here – To leave a comment just scroll down!

To read more about the motivations why men are paying prostitutes for having sex with them: Click here and Click here

When you need my help to escape your secretive life and to become transparant about who you are and what you do: Click here

While Embracing Our Differences – We Escape The Obscure Fictions of Our Egos – Ending The Erroneous And Ridicule Roles of Lords, Bosses, Clones and Puppets

Finally I am learning two life lessons. After stumbling so many times. And after falls. Laying upside down in the mud. And standing up. And trying again.
Now I am more understanding and experiencing these lessons in my life. Am I already arrived? Not yet, but I am happily on the way and enjoying the surroundings.

Conforming others to my imagination

For so long I was unaware that I was judging others and blaming them for not being and doing like me or like how I wanted them to be and to do. I was blind for the dark desire that others had to conform to my selfish imagination.

Also I was protecting and defending my prickled ego. While I was ‘good’, the others were ‘mistaken’. It was for me important to preserve my positive self image and my good feelings about myself. It got many times more priority than the ‘good looks’ and feelings of others. When I was younger I even tried to block the news flashes about poverty, famine and cruel, lethal diseases. I did that just to stay in ‘balance’. Because I was fearing that distress would rob me of my self manipulated views of being ‘happy’ and ‘stable’.

I have discerned how treacherous my ‘ego’ is. For instance: When I am feeling uncertain about a – by my ego viewed –  ‘strong’ person (‘strong’ means than for ‘’me’’ independent, verbal present and dominant) and when I am feeling in need for the grace of that person than my mind is creating very negative thoughts about him or her. Insinuating bad things. Painting a monstrous portrait of this person. And because I am not well knowing this man or woman my mind is producing negative scripts about the intentions and acts of that person. It is doing that to prevent ‘’me’’ of being overwhelmed by a ‘shocking’, strong presence of the other.

My ‘ego’ wants desperately to be in controll. To dominate the environment and to be the all providing, allmighty god in my own world. And by judging it makes divisions between me and the unknown, dangerous (?) other. Such large are the accusations and antipathies that these are sometimes difficult to bridge. Because the pride and arrogance of my ego tries to prevent any form of familiarity and friendship. And by paying a price of isolation and desolation it creates a very small prison for my own ego.

Judging makes others insignificant

For long I was not knowing that my judging was coming out of fear and that by judging I was making other people small, insignificant, less powerful and that I was even trying to bent them to my will.

The results of my judging were that these were reducing the space for others to be themselves. Unspoken was there ‘somewhere in the atmosphere’ the hidden imagination whereby the others had to act conform the scripts I had already invented and created for them. To be reduced to a not mighty and not anymore frightening position of a ‘non-adult’. To become a predictable clone or puppet. While my ego was crowning itself to be the only sovereign ‘adult’ in the room.

Luckily I am learning how to accept the differences of the persons around me. And that they may do the things they want to do. And that this means that it is going otherwise than I would like. And that I can’t prevent that. Even that they can do things which are painful or harmful for me.

And by really accepting others I am discovering that it is giving me also far more freedom and rest. Happily the only one I have to supervise is myself. And the only thing I have to do in regard to others is to let them just be themselves. Just let them be! It is okay that they are themselves!

Love needs distance

The second lesson I am recognizing is that love needs distance. Earlier in time I was thinking that love meant that two persons were becoming one unity or identity. It seemed for me the most beautiful thing to be accomplished. But instead I discovered that it is producing a dull and predictable relation. A partnership where you are doing the same things or trying to think the same is deadly for the long term.

Love originates out the awareness that the other is and may be different than me. And that that person is – even knowing my flaws and faults – still not leaving me. While he or she is also free to make one day that choice to let me alone with myself.

Love is becoming exciting when the other is suprising me with an act, a thought or statement which I was totally not expecting. Even when I am in that moment discovering sides and aspects of my partner which I was not knowing and which I wish were still hidden. When the other is showing me feelings and thoughts I dislike and which I want to dispute. And when the other is making me aware of my own blind spots which I afterwards would like to pretend not to see.

Embracing the differences of the other

With this knowledge it is a daring deed to embrace the other. In his or her totality. Not embracing only the parts I am liking, but the whole person. Accepting, accepting and accepting.

It is necessary to keep distance between me and the other so that I can experience the space to be myself and that I can give the other also the space to be herself or himself.

And being in a state of healthy distance to the other means also that every physical embrace becomes a successful result of our mutual choice to become together for one moment a powerhouse of vulnerability and a rainbow of promising possibilities. It shows that our different views, changing humours and ‘strange’ universes may indeed be designed to exist peacefully side by side …